The Roommates of Terror
by AninMukami
Summary: Everyone knows how Yui got to have the most outrageous roommates ever... but what if in the end she chose Shin Tsukinami, and the Ketchup Lord has to come up with yet another secret plan... which incluides forcing the Mukami and Sakamaki bros to live in a shared appartment, like university students often do? Who is the worst roommate? Drabbles; every one of the bros will appear
1. Chapter 1

The Ketchup Lord, Karl-Heinz, was bored now Eve, also known as Yui Komori, and Shin Tsukinami had fallen in love, thus making his plan get screwed up because he had decided to spice up the situation adding more crazy people to the mix.

He couldn't get enough of it, apparently, and that was the demise of it all.

Either way, he'd gotten himself in trouble and now had to talk to the Pope.

He entered the hearing hall to get his punishment or be set free... not like they had a choice, anyway, but they like to think they could imprison him or prevent any more of his lunacy.

The hall was solely occupied by the Pope, because everyone else was tired of the Ketchup-y bullshit; he looked at Karl Heinz like a school principal looks at a kid who keeps doing idiotic mischief one month after another and ends up therefore living in the detention room.

-Karl-Heinz... I expect some explaination. Please also make it a reasonable one.

-Love is not reasonable, neither is power! Why would something that has to do with both be so?

-That is not the point... old friend.

-Fine, I will fix the struggle I put the city of Kaminashi through; I will remove my children from the location to avoid any further incident.

-I bet you will. But please be discreet this time.

And so, Reiji Sakamaki received a call because Shu wouldn't pick up the phone, and dragged every resident of the Sakamaki household out of the manor with their coffins, iron maidens, teddys, wax dolls, collection of torture tools, takoyaki ingredients, tea sets, diverse weapons and weird costumes incluided.

The moving company workers wouldn't turn their back on them for some reason. Weirdos.

Ruki Mukami recieved a text message explaining the situation of "suspiciousness", and announced his brothers they would stop living in a mansion for a while.

-Ruki... let me... read it? I miss Karl-Heinz.

Ruki didn't want Azusa and the others to get upset before setting sail, but Yuma looked over Ruki's shoulder into the phone,

-What do you mean we're gonna be living with those useless rotten Sakamaki kids in an appartment? Ruki, what is the meaning of this?!

-I don't know, myself, but we need to proceed quickly; let's pack and be here in an hour.

Kou laughed,

-It's gonna be like old times, us four cooped up with a bunch of undesirables in the same small house!

The eldest tried to reassure him despite the amused look on his face,

-Please, no need to think about such nonsense.

But Ruki knew his face was getting paler than usual; he knew the concept sounded pretty much like their orphanage days... except they had to deal with equals instead of stronger people; it was gonna be all right... right?


	2. Bad, unwise electric installations

**The lights... THE LIGHTS! AAAAAAAH!**

The Sakamakis and Mukamis did not get along too well from the start, but there were some individuals more compatible for tolerating each other than others... for example, Yuma and Shu weren't having a bad time sharing the 10 room appartment, and Reiji and Ruki would sometimes talk about "conceptual bullshit", as Ayato put it when they had a cultivated, friendly philosophical debate.

But others were on the edge of the bathtub of despair, literally and figuratively.

Kou thought he was "hallway alone" (home alone was too much to ask these days).

It was the perfect oportunity to practice the choreography where he had to move around the entire stage, and it was really hard to match the distances in empty classrooms.

He still didn't know the house well, since he'd had a lot of work these days, but this foyer hallway was wide enough.

He put away Reiji's expensive, collector's edition porcelain vase, which Laito put in the middle of the hallway for some weird reason he wasn't sure he wanted to know (he'd said "making people be in debt to do chores" or so, he didn't understand), and started dancing.

Oops, he forgot the music! He got his headphones and got lost in the music. He loved his job, even if it didn't get him the kind of attention he wanted... dancing listening to music made him go to a world of his own, and nothing else was visible but that peace and freedom... therefore, he crashed against a wall.

And then kicked another. But noticed that made sounds as well. Time to make his very own remix! So he used flowerpots as drums, stomped on the carpet and wooden floor to create new beats, and clicked light switches to make a different "stage" effects.

There was one outside a bathroom door which didn't light a lamp, but sounded amazing with the Kpop song he was listening to, almost like a whail. That one was his favorite, so he used it quite a lot.

After a while, off to his room he went to relish the music, while the "remix" sound got stronger. Had he left the switch on?

But soon he forgot about it.

The "remix switch" had clicked off the hot water and lights for the shower Kanato was in.

As Kou had also kicked the door, which was one of bad quality, Kanato was trapped.

-THE LIGHT! THE SWITCH! IDIOT! -he screamed again in vain- OPEN THE... LIGHTS!

Kou was taking a nap in the opposite side of the appartment, now hearing new age music in his sound-blocking headphones, but Azusa had just arrived from the weaponry store into the foyer.

People loved him (and were scared of him) so much at Iggy's Weapon Shop, they had put mental health experts on the phone to persuade him not to "try out" the sharp stuff or attempt to stay the night instead of just kicking him out.

Like the supermarket did the day before.

He liked how quiet Iggy's was when it was closed, and at night, only the knives glowed, peaceful like stars... not like some crazy switch in the Sakamaki-Mukami appartment that made lightbulbs blink like a discotheque at a different location each time.

He crossed the entrance hall,

-Justin... do you hear something? -he said to his scar- It's probably... somebody having a tantrum? I wonder who it could be...

He followed the melodious screams upstairs,

-OPEN! LIGHTS!

-Open... the lights? Kanato, are you ok?

-LIKE HELL! OF COURSE IT WAS YOU! YOU'LL PAY!

-I just arrived... but lights don't open...

Kanato was so beside himself, he couldn't think straight,

-OPEN THE LIGHTS, POUR THE HOT DOOR AND TURN ON THE HOT WATER!

-Please be more specific... Lights never open or close, Kanato.

Kanato hit the door with his fists repeatedly, and Azusa understood; he picked the lock with today's sharp acquisition and Kanato fell on his own face, wet, naked and freezing.

-You think this is funny? You big asshole! You will pay for this!

He had some rage tears in his eyes. His relaxing hot shower, the moment nobody could bother him, according to himself, had been ruined by the little masochist.

-Sorry Kanato, but I just came in...

-Now you're lying? Who do you think you are?! You turned off the hot water and left me locked up in the dark! And now you won't admit it? You'll see... I'll pour the boiling hot water I missed on you... to watch you squirm in pain as I did!

-Kanato... really?! I didn't do it, but would you still do it for me?

Azusa was beaming, and Kanato got even angrier in response, so he got up, screamed and ran to his room to finish the tantrum. Asuza was disappointed.

Some hours later, the Mukamis needed to eat, and some of the Sakamakis didn't want to refuse the strawberry soup Ruki invented. Namely, Kanato was looking forward to have dinner. He never liked that know-it-all Ruki Mukami, but he cooked well, so he could at least respect that. As he was about to ask for a portion, he heard a gross slurp behind him on the floor.

Kou had just finished his 5th plate, and Kanato frowned at the spectacle he was putting up on the dining room floor, like a hobo.

-Kou, do you not think you resemble a dog? Would you please stop being so disgusting?

Kou ignored him and licked the plate, and proceeded praise the meal,

-Ruki, is there more soup? I love it!

Ruki looked at him and made clear he'd get no soup unless he sat back at the table.

Kanato's frown deepened. What was the problem with that mongrel? Was he trying to get all the attention to himself?

-By the way, Ruki... -Kou continued as his 6th portion was served- I've just mastered the choreo I told you about; the hallway next to the bathroom was empty, and I even put some remix-beats to the music on my own accord using furniture!

Reiji flinched at the furniture part,

-Good grief... did you break anything?

-No, I only used flowerpots, doors and a strange switch that made sounds almost like a scream near the bathroom...

Kanato turned around like he was possesed to glare daggers at Kou.

As hell broke lose in the form of a bar fight in the dining room, since Subaru had been hoping for a chance to jump and punch Kou as well, Ruki invited Reiji to look at a catalogue to pick a new table, chairs... or maybe just a whole backup house.

Reiji agreed, massaging his temples; he wouldn't stop them either, he was tired, and he'd just bought this suit; they also needed to suffer a bit. Before the entire house broke, Shu would wake up and stop the barfight; it was going to be all right, he thought.

To be continued!

 **Authors note (REQUEST GIVEAWAY FOR THIS FIC):**

Whoever can tell which of the brothers watched Ouran High School Host club (there's a clue/reference to it in this chapter), gets to have a request chapter within this fic :3 (no OC's plz, I can't write them xD)

The rule is that there has to be interaction among at least 2 characters from Diabolik Lovers. I'll keep updating anyway, there is way too much inspiration material going on!

Btw, the open the lights thing happened IRL, but the person insisted I should have known what "open lights" meant, but at least he didn't barfight me xD


	3. Yuma Mukami's double trouble - Problem A

Diabolik Lovers Country:

Yuma Mukami's double trouble - Problem A

Ayato Sakamaki had always lived an un-life in which he didn't need to clean anything but himself, because his house was always full of servants, and people who cleaned by day and left him the hell alone at night, the time in which he actually existed.

But since they'd moved into The Bunker, the name he gave the "undercover" appartment, there was an agreement for each idiot to wash their own clothes, plates and other dumb stuff he'd never realized people actually had to clean. Luckily, vampires almost never used the toilet.

Tonight, Ayato had to wash a mountain of clothes that had erected itself in his room and made it smell like like the sulfures of real volcanoes. Reiji insisted the smell got out into his own chambers, and that "I don't care if it's a masterpiece because you even put the red clothes on top simbolizing lava; wash it or I'll burn it down, and you'll have to go shopping, or wear Kou's stuff.".

Ayato cringed as he imagined himself in Kou's questionable attire in public. He knew some people meant it when they said they'd burn something down, so, disgruntled, he proceeded to drag the fabric mound to the machine that was supposed to wash clothes.

He tripped in the way over a cooking pot full of earth and cursed, but kept staggering along; whoever had put it there would pay when he finished his laundry.

...

How intimidating. He rolled his eyes at himself and kept dragging.

So, he finally stuffed the load into two machines! Now, the detergent and a few buttons...

Ayato had never operated a washing machine in his life, so he didn't know the difference between washing machine and dryer. He turned on the dryer with stinky clothes and toilet detergent inside, and wasn't satisfied with the actual washer's performance until he'd kicked the trap so hard it looked incrusted like a plastic bag in a hole before turning it on.

It was turning and foaming! The other one didn't have a window, but it made noise, so he assumed all was well. All right! He smirked at himself; of course he could do it, he was the smartest! He deserved making himself a delicious, unhealthy snack...

Yuma came to The Bunker after getting some fertilizer for the radishes he'd just planted. Since they didn't have a real garden anymore, new ways of planting stuff needed to be thought of, but making holes in the walls was frowned upon. So he used a cooking pot, filled it with earth and put it somewhere the sun shone on it all day.

He was whistling on the way home; very few things made him happier than planting new vegetables!

As he opened the door, that joy turned to anger as he saw his cooking pot turned over, with some scattered seeds nearby and footprints that led to the kitchen.

-OI! WHO THE HELL KNOCKED OVER MY POT!?

No answer.

He'd follow the footprints; it was someone medium sized, and he'd dragged something large along with him. Were the Sakamakis doing homicidal stuff so soon?

What the hell, fat guy blood tasted bad, anyway!

But before he barged into the kitchen, he slipped and almost fell over; so much foam was coming out of the laundry next to it!

Inside, Ayato was trying and failing to push the water back inside the machine with a mop, and the dryer had somehow expelled all the toilet-bleach covered clothes onto the walls and the floor.

-It was you, you bastard! You knocked over my radishes!

-What the fuck?!

The hallway incident had been washed, spinned and bleached off Ayato's already unproficient memory.

-THE POT IN THE HALLWAY -Yuma screamed- PICK THAT UP OR I'LL MAKE YOU!

-So YOU put a cooking pot in the middle of a hallway? Who the fuck does that? -Ayato spat as the washing machine splashed him like a water gun; it was still on- Was it normal in your human town?

-That doesn't matter, you don't knock other people's stuff over and leave it there!

-I didn't see it, because I was carrying stuff and you never expect a goddamned pot with mud in your way!

-You say it like you didn't just cause a FLOOD in everyone's way to eat! Or you expect that in rich houses?! Pick that up as well, you spoiled brat!

-The machine just went crazy out of nowhere! -Ayato replied, hysterical, and kicked the device again, in hopes it would swallow Yuma, and maybe himself as well, on its next move-

-YOU managed to fuck it up somehow, get out of the way!

He pushed him to the side and calmed down the machines's rage in two minutes, but ranted the whole time about "rich, useless bastards", as Ayato swiped the floor, his face an angry red. Yuma's roommate-complaint word string had been set lose, and Ayato was just the unlucky dude who'd pulled the last straw.

-Who the fuck ate my carrots yesterday anyway? You think that stuff grows on trees?

Ayato looked at him, appaled at the question, and dropped the mop as he shrugged.

-Whatever, did you?

Laito Sakamaki, who was lounging about upstairs, was one to get bored easily.

He cultivated many hobbies to keep the boredom of eternal life away, but still, sometimes...

Oh! There was something very lively going on in the laundry! That sounded like a fight!

Laito listened harder,

Metallic sounds... water... something about pot... funny, who is getting drugged? He thought it never had an effect on vampires, but maybe it did in halfbreeds?

My, my... how dramatic! He just HAD to go downstairs!

Yuma was still ranting, pointing an aubergine at Ayato, who was attempting to leak soapy water out of the window into the neighbor's balcony.

-Who the fuck ate my carrots yesterday anyway? You think that stuff grows on trees? -Yuma questioned the exact moment the kitchen/laundry door opened,

-Whatever, did you? -Yuma asked

-Who ate your carrot? You should know that, one always has to know who is eating one's carrot! -Laito giggled

Yuma turned over to face him, cut sharp in his rant and shocked,

-Get outta here, you perverted wannabe-Freddy-Krueger!

While Yuma was looking at Laito, Ayato got the chance to run away to retreat to his (hopefully not burnt down) room.

-But this is my house too, carrot boy! I can go look to have the snack Ayato was making himself any time, can't I?

-Huh?! Like that selfish bastard would share anything with you!

-You'd be surprised... besides, -Laito smiled- he doesn't like vegetables, nor _carrots_... but I think Shu does! Especially apples and carrots; he probably even hoarded them in his room to avoid the stairs... efficient, isn't it?

-How do you know?

But a loud shout from Reiji's tiny lab interrupted,

-AYATO! Do I need to burn down your room?

Yuma froze in his place, at a loss of words.

When he awoke from his trance, Laito, too, was gone.

He'd have to find out who the crop thief was, and he'd suspected Shu as well, since he caught him eyeing his carrot earlier in the week...

 **Authors note (REQUEST IDEAS FOR THIS FIC)**

Another game like last chapter to get an idea of yours written in this fic! :3

What game is the chapter TITLE based on? Clue: It's a SNES and GBA game.

Rules: no OC's, no ships :3... friend-ships are ok, though!


	4. Problem B

Problem B

(AN: fluffy friendship stuff and so on here, not just wtf household nonsense, though there is, anyway... don't hate me xD)

Yuma went to look for Shu. He felt like he'd seen that face before, but it had been a smiling face most of the time, not the gloomy, sleepy one he usually saw. Or maybe he was being idealistic, because he hated lazy bastards like him.

Could it be just himself trying to justify not remembering anything? Why would his mind need a proof something else ever existed, anyway?

To tell himself he wasn't like the people who said they could fly if they spent enough time living in the street?

If something made Yuma angry was fake things.

And possesing a fake memory within himself made him lose his head.

He didn't mention the sensation he had with Shu; what if he really was crazy? He didn't need 5 creeps and his brother to treat him as if he was disturbed.

But that wouldn't matter much; what mattered was, would Karl-Heinz deem him unworthy of whatever task he needed done by them and throw him out to live in the street again?

Shu wasn't home. Fine, let him eat the carrot, who cares.

Like every dawn, when everyone was already in their random sleeping furniture piece, Shu went to the couch beside Yuma's room and took out his headphones to hear him hum the song he hummed to himself every night.

He got real rest when he got to hear it, as opposed to on his multiple naps, in which rain and noise surrounded his non-beating heart.

The song was simple, yet it hit a nerve on him... it reminded him of times Edgar should better not remember. It made him sad, but happy at the same time. Edgar better not know what he knew... he fell asleep as the melody kept playing in his head.

Shu played music, but he didn't sing; he'd stopped after the fire that led to the loss of his only friend. However, when Yuma was gone, he'd pick up the violin and played the song.

He noticed Reiji paled in anger whenever he played it. He wished he could do it more often, but what if Edgar-... Yuma... caught him paying attention to him in any way? Shu was afraid he'd remember the worst part. And they'd still have to live togheter as roommates, how annoying...

Yuma, as a vampire who was born human, sometimes needed actual water to drink instead of blood. He got up in the middle of the day to refill, and found Shu on the couch next to his room. He still wanted his carrots, so off to the potato sack's open room!

Of course he'd stolen them, the stingy bastard. He took two for his own enjoyment later, but he'd let him get away with 6, he didn't need them ALL. There was a wrinkled paper on his otherwise empty desk.

The neet had actually done something besides sleeping this week? He unwrapped the miracle.

A poem.

He'd leave it alone; only creeps like that Laito bastard would read something obviously meant for privacy. Everyone here was a crazy fuck, dammit...

He returned to his room and hummed the melody he used to avoid insomnia and nightmares, or images of fire.

He didn't know where he'd heard it, but it had lyrics... which of course, he had forgotten; strange how it was only key facts his brain forgot, like it just decided not to string everything together.

On the couch outside, Shu dreamed of the forest they used to play in to the sound of the unknown melody Yuma sang again after going for water.

-Yahooo Shu! Your face is wet, are you sick?

Shu opened his eyes to find a face with a red and a blue eye staring at his own blue eyes.

Kou Mukami wasn't one for tact or recognizing feelings, but Shu was grateful it was him who found him asleep on the couch at nightfall; if anyone else had noticed he had probably cried in his sleep, it would be embarrassing.

-No, unlucky us, I'm not gonna die... -he said indifferently, turning the other way- vampires don't get sick. Let me sleep in peace.

Kou remembered a youtube video about a toy named Tickle me Emo ( watch?v=MO6ZOXSbsu8 ) and laughed.

Shu wiped the tears he'd shed while asleep discreetly just in time, for Ruki Mukami just came out of his room.

Kou was not qualified for discretion though,

-Oi, Ruki, Shu is embarrassed that he's sick, and he looks like a bootleg toy! He says he isn't, but his face was wet like with a fever! Should we all get medicated? Maybe it's contagious and we'll all look this bad! I'm an idol, so I can't let my eyes look swollen...

Good morning to me, Ruki thought. His face fell from peace to annoyance and he made a huge effort not to sigh and roll his eyes at Kou.

-I'll handle this, you get ready for school.

Kou left ranting under his breath as if he'd been ignored in an important matter.

Ruki came closer and whispered,

-I'll see you at recess in the music room... alone.

He hoped he didn't sound like a mafia hitman or a yaoi character, but it was done; he'd be there before any of his siblings could follow him.

The bell for recess rang at last and Ruki packed his heavy bag as fast and quiet as he could. His brothers's classrooms were in a different floor, but he couldn't take chances. He couldn't just appear in the music hall and make the classmates wonder if someone just VANISHED INTO THIN AIR back in his classroom. He could already imagine what a text about it would look like.

OMG datt rooky guy just vanished, or am i craycray?

He didn't often talk to people other than his siblings or Reiji at school; their cares, amusements and woes were too different from his own, not to mention priorities. They'd take a selfie with the vanishing person but would delete it if they didn't look like idols on it.

He'd spare them the disappointment by running to the music room instead.

As expected, Shu was already slumping there, and looked slightly up when Ruki closed the door behind him.

-Shu... I've heard you like classical music, too.

-Yes. You made an appointment to break my nap to talk about music?

What a disgrace, this guy was like that youtube toy Kou liked.

-Have you ever heard the stories behind each piece? Or read some of the opera lyrics? Some are quite inspiring...

-No, too much work... but the chords on several symphonies make un-life more acceptable... If I turn up the volume, you disappear, for example.

Ruki supressed the "who do you think you are?!" he wanted to mutter and the image of Shu taking a selfie with his disappearing self and pried on; he seemed to be reasonable deep inside.

-Quite a lot of people use music like that, but I wonder if it's the same when you play it.

-It's stronger, because it's something that comes from within you.

-I wonder if when two people play the same song, they get the same kind of sensation... not meaning same feelings or interpretation, but what lies beneath... the vibration's frequency; does it have the same effect, deep inside?

-You read too much... -Shu chuckled a bit- but your material appears to be less evil than my brother Reiji.

-One of my brothers sings a song since we were little, and human... he says it calms him down, that it makes him think of happy memories he can't remember clearly.

Shu opened his eyes completely for the first time in the entire recess. Ruki pushed on,

-Do you reckon it is the song itself? Does it have the effect Yuma describes on you, as well?

-How should I know? I don't know what music you're talking about.

-I've heard you play the same song he sings to himself each dawn when he's not home.

Shu's hands went cold.

-It must be a popular song. -He slumped more to appear annoyance-

Ruki raised his eyebrows. There was a reason Shu didn't want Yuma to know about the song, but it would be too much of a coincidence if he was part of his brother's forgotten past. Life was crazy though; for all he knew, he could be. Did he know about his fire scars?

-I happen to like the song, but I wonder how he came up with it. Or if he heard it somewhere and decided to keep it as a memento because of the feeling.

He says it makes him think of a meadow and grass... typical of him to think of plants.

Suddenly it landed on Shu; The poem he'd been thinking about since they'd moved to The Bunker... those were the lyrics of Edgar's song!

Shu may have had stopped singing on that fateful day, but the lyrics were there, hiding in the back of his head:

 _Deep in the meadow_

 _Under the willow_

 _A bed of grass_

 _A soft green pillow_

 _Lay down your head_

 _And close your eyes_

 _And when they open_

 _The sun will rise_

 _Here it's safe_

 _Here it's warm_

 _Here the daisies guard you_

 _From every harm_

 _here your dreams are sweet_

 _and tomorrow brings them true_

 _here is the place_

 _where I love you_

One day so long ago, they had been talking about how their family dealt with their nightmares and scary stuff, and Shu asked Edgar to sing what his mom sang for him to hear what it was like; he'd never get that within his own family, but thought about the song every time he was scared from then on... until the fire burnt that small joy away.

-It's the same for me, but a bit different. -Shu answered Ruki, with a genuine smile on his face. Edgar was still alive.

-Play it more... -Ruki smiled this time, too; he understood something he couldn't put into words. Maybe he could add one more coherent being to his list of people to talk to?

He continued,

-It drowns out the triplets's domestic nonsense for me, too. Like that one time Teddy was hung by the neck from the chandelier with a velvet whip... -Ruki facepalmed and Shu laughed.

It drowned out other horrors he'd lived, too, because it made him think of how his brothers had always been there with him at the end of the day, ready to diffuse each other's pain away. In a way, it made him think of the joys of life, just like Yuma and Shu.

After school, Shu put the poem within Yuma's reach, and waited until he'd read it.

Yuma barged out of his room and shouted,

-Neet! Wanna try the new salad I'm making today?

Shu was surprised, but Yuma didn't seem to notice,

-It has apple, carrot and other stuff, come on!

Shu smiled and followed Yuma into the kitchen. Maybe having the Mukamis here had its good side.


	5. Parsley Sage Fashion and Tantrums

Parsley, Sage, Fashion and Tantrums

 _AN: noneedtoknowmyname answered the AN question on chapter 3! Here is the chapter with your idea! :3 It starts with Kou and Laito, but Kanato comes up later on._

Laito was so bored, he did it again, even if he knew it wasn't gonna make him feel... alive? Full? Less hungry for something he couldn't explain? He'd discovered long ago consuming the very essence of a living thing couldn't make his own begin to exist.

He didn't know why he kept looking for whatever was missing there, but he'd first experienced a glimpse of the promise of what it could be by doing this kind of thing; he didn't really know where else to look for whatever it was, or where to expect it to be...

Sucking blood was a vampiric necessity, but attacking people or doing perverted stuff with them wasn't, these days, and the Ketchup Lord had set a few rules, which Laito decided to ignore most of the time, unlike Reiji, who followed the instructions of not hunting more than once every three months, and who probably didn't even put any creative effort into it when he did (lol).

A certain amount of his brothers paid heed to what Karl-Heinz ordered, which was stealing mysterious packages from hospitals, like decent citizens, so they didn't get caught on their unusual lifestyle.

Who the fuck thought the disappearance of the blood supply for 10 people wasn't strange? That Yuma guy was good at stealing, though; when it had been his turn to "borrow" the packages, nobody even looked at the 2m tall vampire at the crime scene...

Hilarious, really.

But Laito was an old-school perverted vampire; he'd rather enjoy and let someone else enjoy the process of feeding himself. He told himself he had long lost hope of finding whatever he was looking for in the act other than food... better not even question it.

A voice came from the back of his head, interrupting his dismissive train of thought.

No. "Love" was just an invention to make people do whatever their manipulator wants them to, anyway. Screw what that Asuza guy had said, there was no point in longing for legends like that.

He made his way to the school exit to meet the limousine alone. Not that he minded having earned himself a free night, but he hadn't done any harm besides a few sucked blood pints, an almost unconcious girl and a few stolen ropes from the gym... oh well, he'd deal with Reiji's threats of calling the Ketchup Lord later.

It was boring, being home alone... Laito liked to socialize, although only Ayato could stand him, as far as he knew.

He turned on the Bunker's insultingly small 90's tv, and MTV started playing Lady Gaga's Paparazzi. Had the TV gone back in time inside, too? He shook the device. Nothing. LeSigh. He threw himself onto the couch and landed on something that cracked.

Laito had a hard time determining what it was, but apparently, according to Lady Gaga, it could be clothes. So he put what looked like a futuristic headpiece on and took a selfie.

This looked strange.

Then, a comment section for the video appeared on the TV and a familiar voice spoke,

-Oh, yeah, yeah! That thing came out so long ago, but it's sort of a classic, right? I wish I could do something like Lady Gaga some time and appear millions of years later on TV, too! Hehehe!

Laito looked up from his phone. Kou was on TV as a guest along with other younger idols... and he was wearing Laito's favorite shirt and denim jacket. Laito couldn't believe it... yet smiled.

That made it ok to play dress up with Kou's ridiculous idol/middle school person/person who rolled out of a fashion school trashcan clothes.

He followed the trail of weird clothes the headpiece was surrounded by and tried different on combinations. There was a reason he had a bunch of costumes himself; he loved how anyone can change their appearance and how others see them depending on what they wear.

School was out and the rest of the brothers arrived soon. Reiji almost got a heart attack, but then remembered he didn't have a pulse.

-How unsightly, one would think you're a middle school peasant, not the vampire overlord's son. Just wait till I tell Karl-Heinz about your whole day.

-Isn't this cute? -Laito giggled in return.

Reiji facepalmed and proceeded to go do the homework. He'd take care of this later.

Most of the brothers made no comment on Laito's look and dispersed...

except Ayato, who dared Laito to say Yahooo like Kou usually did, and Kou, who seemed angry,

-What the fuck do you think you're doing with my clothes -he muttered enraged- are trying to make fun of me? -Laito's slightly amused expression made him ball his fists and raise his voice- Huh? Why did you put those accesories on?! Did you take pictures? Put them on the Internet to get me into trouble? I'll make your life miserable...

Ayato facepalmed and left, mocking Reiji.

Laito lost it and laughed out loud. Kou raised his voice even more,

-Such a shameles prick! I'm embarrassed you even touched my clothes, who knows where your filthy skin has been! -Kou tried to take said stuff off Laito, but he dodged,

-You didn't look embarrassed or disgusted on TV at the retro video show of today... you put on my clothes on your own accord! I wonder how long it took you to get the key to my room...-his smirk widened into a smile that reduced his eyes to slits- Could it be you actually like my style yet deny yourself the pleasure?

Kou was surprised. He froze.

-I-I thought my manager had sent me that!

-It's aaaaall mine; it was gone from my closet, too... You stole it, doesn't that make you a dirty, diiiirty thief?

Kou didn't like how Laito said that, but he was right; he couldn't retort, so Laito continued,

-We chose to sin differently, but in the end it's the same degree as what got me suspended today; I merely borrowed school equipment for my own purposes and didn't break it, but didn't ask if it was fine with the owners... -Laito concluded, thinking himself completely rational and brotherly.

Kou was a bit disgusted he'd put him in the same standards as himself, but had been succesfully been cornered to admit it,

-So you actually have a fashion sense? -Kou's crystal eye started to glow red with curiosity

-Apparently, according to you I do! -Laito smiled without malice for the first time- Though I have to say... these clothes of yours are a bit hard to put on...

Meanwhile, Kanato was in his room, enjoying peace, quiet and the feeling of new, soft fabrics. He wanted to dive into them to take a nap before making Teddy new vests and maybe a little hat.

He'd even lit a marshmallow scented candle, because he was having trouble with concentrating at school; STUPID MATH.

He wished they would stop trying to make him learn things a vampire hardly ever uses.

Did humans need that useless knowledge? How pathetic. He had no wish to continue simulating humanity, but it made sense that the future rulers needed some form of education in order not to be filthy peasants like...

-I'LL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE!

Kou Mukami screamed, followed by Laito's characteristic manic laugh.

Had the Death Note creators inspired themselves in Laito for Laito Yagami's laugh, or had Laito Sakamaki copied and adopted Yagami's? Who cares, either way his brother was an idiot who was probably provoking the wannabe idol for fun, and interrupted his peace at the same time.

A double kill in annoyingness. Not his lifetime record, but still big on the scale of Things Kanato Hates. It went quiet again. Nice.

Then all he heard was the very low background noise of normal conversation, and he faded into sweet, sweet sleep.

Some minutes later, he was in a walled city. A 50m wall made of apple candy protected him and the rest of the city's population from some creepy humanoids who lived outside and wanted to eat them.

-These walls have been standing for around 100 years... but who knows, maybe today is the day they fall! -a random boy said, as lightning fell just behind the wall and a huge humanoid without skin showed its face above the candy and proceeded to break the wall. Kanato panicked, and-

Suddenly, the giant said something strange:

-Their concert was amazing, but what I actually like about them is the clothes they wear, because...

KOU MUKAMI'S CHEEKY VOICE. WHY.

-Run, Kanato! Listen to me at least once in your life!

Cordelia yelled beneath a fallen roof of what was left of his simple house.

A soldier he knew grabbed him by the stomach as a giant who'd gotten inside the city lowered itself to attack them, but then the soldier said, way too calm to be saving someone from being eaten by a horrendous humanoid beast,

-I bet he uses wigs some times; human hair doesn't seem to be too resistant to stand that much radioactivity... or is it?

LAITO!

He watched as the gruesome creature was about to eat Cordelia, but it said something about fashion before that could happen, and Kanato woke up.

It had been a nightmare, which was ruined by Laito and Kou's pop culture talk!

Can't one even have a nightmare in peace in this house!? He was definetly gonna kill them one day... first Kou, then Laito... but in the meantime, he'd go downstairs to discuss how they could compromise a little and have the consideration of controlling their enthusiasm.

-YOU IDIOTS RUINED MY NIGHTMARE BY-

but he went silent as he heard singing.

Kou had been rehearsing the song he needed to practice to ask Laito's opinion. Surreal.

Kanato had been refusing to see anything Kou-related on TV or elsewhere, but he could actually sing! Not as well as himself, but still good.

Kou stopped, as he noticed Kanato in the doorway.

-Oi, Kanato! Wanna have an exclusive preview of the new song I'll sing on TV?

-I don't care about pop music.

Laito thought of an interesting idea.

-Kou, did you know our mother used to call him her canary? He's a good singer, too... right Kanato?

-Oh, you should try singing with me! Sounds like fun!

Kanato doesn't do fun. He frowned in suspicion.

-He used to sing Scarborough Fair when we were little... even I thought it was sweet!

-Wow, I know that song, too! Why don't we sing togheter, Ka-

-NO. I'M TIRED OF YOU AND YOUR NOISE, AND -

Asuza had too little to keep him busy today, since the knife shop was closed and all of his knives had been dulled by Ruki... again. He'd tried to sneak into the kitchen to grab the cooking knife, but Yuma saw him first.

He himself felt dull... was he even alive? Did people hate him here, or why had they hidden all sharp objects from the common areas?

A loud thump sounded above his room from the living room,

-I'M TIRED OF YOUR NOISE, AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SOME PEOPLE TO MAKE NIGHTMARES WORSE WITH THEIR ANNOYING VOICES, AS IF GODZILLA STARTS SCREAMING LIKE GODDAMNED SPONGEBOB..!

He rushed upstairs; at least hearing such loud noises made him know his ears were alive!

Laito had left his hat on the edge of the back of the sofa he had been sitting on so that, if seen from Kanato's spot, it looked like he was still there, but he'd disapparated to his room to avoid the tantrum.

Kou couldn't disapparate because of his halfbreed nature, but he'd crawled soldier style into the kitchen, as he left a wig and a shirt in a similar position as Laito's hat.

But Azusa had just arrived from the opposite direction, and was confused.

-Kanato, why are yelling at Laito and Kou's clothes?

Teddy's holder looked startled, but checked the couch... DAMMIT!

He yelled at the top of his lungs, and there was a "shut up" and a noise from Subaru's room, and some ceiling stones fell onto the sofa.

Asuza remained on his spot.

-What are you looking at, anyway?

-Kanato... let your rage out on me, please.

But the taller one took it figuratively and complained fora long time:

His brothers, The Bunker, math, the teacher, how he missed Yui's cooking instead of goddamned Ruki and Reiji's, his mom belonging to him and how the dissecated brides were probably melting at the old house because they didn't fit in the new one and needed care, for God's sake!

What would Azusa ever know about such a fine art as dissecating someone? Even his brothers thought it was a gross hobby... blablablablablablabla!

But Azusa didn't hear just blablabla, because he listened to Kanato's petty agony. And enjoyed it. Somehow, seeing Kanato's pain flow out of him made him happy. Happiness does come from pain sometimes. After a while, Kanato had a slight smile on his face, as well as Azusa.

-Either way, I'm glad someone stood here the whole time I talked. I'm going to take in the half moon at the rooftop.

And they both left the room; Azusa was happy; he was feeling alive again, not sure if he'd caused pain or not, but Kanato looked happy... even if he never hurt him. How strange.

Later on at night, Kou opened the window because the sky looked so clear and full of stars... and heard something.

Someone singing Scarborough fair on the rooftop.

Sweet... so, he was good at it after all! He had a feeling he'd sleep well tonight if he left the window open.


	6. Stranger thingies

Stranger thingies

Reiji was really stressed. He was the real head of the family here, but there were things that were completely out of his control, for he was an unofficial leader, and around the same age as the rest of the inhabitants of the Sakamaki house.

Fortunately for him, there was no title to become destituted of... a thought like a poisoned dagger. He wanted to be worthy of such a title, regardless of birthing order; to be the exemplary leader of all vampires he knew Shu couldn't be.

But he couldn't even keep a house safe from his half-brothers's fists, "artistic"/"sporty" outbursts and silly fits.

Fortunately, Ruki seemed to have his population under control... how did he do it? Maybe he should ask for... advice?

No way. He'd sort this out alone, no need to involve anyone else.

Or maybe he didn't even need to ask for advice; perhaps he could figure out his method by asking him to tell him some story of their early days.

Subaru was forced to repair the ceiling he'd chipped some days ago in order to send a clear message that whoever was yelling in the living room must shut up immediately.

He was getting taunted by Laito and Kou, who told him he looked "cute" doing something so un-mafia like. Reiji had refused to help repair something he hadn't broken, and the Mukamis claimed they'd had worse, so didn't care about the ceiling as long as it wasn't raining inside the house.

He tried to strike the noisy duo's faces, but got the wall instead. Laito responded by telling him to "better not break any more things, or you'll have to get yourself a human job to repair them! Huhuhu"

Kou laughed and ate his fifth bag of cheese popcorn, loudly. He couldn't stand them!

Shu was more depressed than usual because Subaru blocked his favorite spot on the couch with his construction site-like tools, but refused to help as well,

-Don't fake ineficiency to get help... just hurry up already and it'll be over.

Ayato was not amused either; he kept telling Subaru to hurry up every 5 minutes, because the basketball game he wanted to watch was soon... suddenly everybody loved the ONE very couch he needed to block to get the work done!

It was as if nobody wanted the goddamned ceiling repaired anymore! Fuck them!

He threw the brush (which left some paint marks on the carpet and the TV) and stormed out into his room before Reiji, also an apparent recurring living room population, could say "where in tarnation do you think you're going?". A door slammed and he got his answer as more rubble invaded the couch. Shu looked devastated.

Reiji took off his glasses, pushed his hair back, frowned and massaged his temples. There was no way to mind-control another's body, so little could be done about this. He wasn't going to give into an indisciplined oaf's anger display to do his bidding out of despair. Which made talking to Ruki an urgent matter; he'd invade the other vampire's afternoon with questions.

Ruki Mukami was listening to Tchaikowsky, drinking tea and reading a story about a village haunted by a murderous shapeshifting clown and some kids who wanted to banish it, whatever it was. Quite interesting, really. He was going to take a sip of tea as a door nearby slammed with a booming sound and made his tea almost fall out of the cup.

Unbelieveable... who had raised these "aristocrats"? They were more like aristoCATS, meaning, had the manners of street cats, but thought they were like royalty. However, one of them seemed to be a proper, proud aristocrat...

Someone knocked. A normal knock. It could only be Reiji; his other visitors were a bit different: Kou would "Yahoooo Rukiiiiiiii" at the door, Azusa would whisper, Yuma would throw himself at it.

-Come in.

Reiji pretended to enter in peace, sweat on his face and lips pursed.

Ruki lifted his eyes from the book.

-Your face doesn't look like someone who would want to talk about the potentially murderous nature of clowns. Sit down, calm your nerves.

Reiji held the one knife Azusa hadn't found in the house, because Reiji had stolen it before Azusa could. Ruki noticed he was squeezing it in his hand and moved to remove it.

-I don't recommend you to spend too much time with Azusa if you're stressed, Reiji Sakamaki. Hand over the knife. If Azusa sees it, there will be more carpets to clean.

The second son of Sakamaki sighed and handed the knife over; he licked his own blood off his hand and tried to focus.

-Anyhow, Ruki... you told me you spent a lot of time at an orphanage, where you met your brothers. How is it they all obey... I mean, follow you?

-Perhaps it is because of the way we all met... also, I am the oldest and who came from a more cultivated background; I suppose that made me the most apt to guide the others.

Reiji's arms felt as if cold water flowed through them. This wasn't gonna work.

-Tell me, for example, what kind of thing made your adoptive brothers resort to you? Because, for example, Yuma seems to be independent and quite a strong individual... Kou can fake a good personality, and Azusa... well... either way... he... is Azusa.

-I can't think of much, but the book I'm reading reminds me of something I've been remembering lately... at the orphanage, there was a scary kid. Most of the residents were creepy people, and quite a few had gone insane before even entering the orphanage, but this one was special... he was intelligent, and had something extraordinary, but I couldn't explain it.

Ruki looked up to the ceiling, trying to recall. It was a boy who looked almost normal; he had dark hair, yet his eyes were too cold for his age. However, Ruki had developed a similar stare, so he didn't mind. But he didn't intimidate the others like Tom did; also, he didn't talk to snakes and throw stampedes of them at people who treated him badly.

How unfortunate, the "caretakers" often deserved it. Ruki secretly thought of him as a hero for it. Was it bizarre if he told this? He'd try, the choice of belief lay in Reiji's hands.

-There was a child at the orphanage who could talk to snakes. I have no idea how he did it, but everyone was scared of him at the orphanage. My brothers wouldn't go near him. I didn't mind, because he somehow reminded me of myself; someone who I had the hunch shouldn't be there, like he belonged to a different world.

-My brothers didn't like the way he looked at them when they played together if I wasn't there, and stuff would fall almost on top of them out of nowhere at times, like the kid had telechinetik abilities. I could hardly believe it, since he behaved like he was normal around me.

I even tried to talk to him once, let him join our games... but although he did, my brothers still didn't want to be anywhere near him, and he soon noticed. Of course, he felt rejected.

One night, I got hungry and had gone looking for food in the nearby trashcans. I returned to my room to find my brothers huddled together, surrounded by snakes. I knew who was to blame.

I told them these snakes weren't a deadly type, although their poison caused a burning pain; I'd read that in my dad's old books.

We threw them all out of the window, but they insisted on getting in, and bit us in several places while we were sacking them. As you probably imagine, we only got primitive treatment for our bites afterwards.

Reiji tried not to imagine Laito in that situation. He had sometimes screamed for Reiji to remove spiders from the bathtub. Silly dork, was he a vampire or not?! He sometimes pretended he didn't hear him; bastard needed to control his childish fears.

Soon, my brothers didn't want to leave my side, because every time I was somewhere else, even the bathroom, a snake or two would jump at either of them. Even Azusa didn't enjoy this, for it was already giving them fever. Soon they wanted me to leave the door open if I went to the bathroom, and that couldn't be done. I'd had enough.

-How did they survive further snake bites?

-They didn't need to; we went to the local library and grabbed a book on snakes, venoms and antidotes... apparently, there were substances which aren't produced anymore these days that snakes absolutely avoid. We bought the ingredients and I made my brothers carry the mix in little pouches at all times, but somewhere nobody could see.

Kou got his portion container broken all the time at his...job, so I hid some on myself, though I didn't need it. It smelled strange.

-You did all of that so they didn't bother you in the bathroom?

Or so they would respect you as a high born man?

-I genuinely cared about what happened to them, because in a way, they saved me from a bad fate, too... so I devised strategies with them, which is something, I gotta say, I have the virtue of; they, however, are more impulsive types, and strategy doesn't come easily to them.

Reiji was perplexed. Basically, Ruki told him love united them but his status was merely a coincidence of life. This was useless.

-For example, maybe you could help Laito when he's in need of insect removal next time; I'm sure he'll try not to have a popcorn duel with Ayato on the couch for your sake if you do.

-How do you know about the insects and the duel?

-Laito claimed it was possible you didn't help him get rid of a centipide in the sink and a roach at the door because he'd organized that day's mess... and I was passing by, so I helped him out this time, as he reminded me of the snake attacks in the orphanage.

-If I understand, it's less policing and more caring as a give and take.

-Kind of... but not completely. I suppose it's a beginning point.

Can we please discuss murderous clowns? Have some tea...

A/N:

I had the snake thing in my head for days, also the orphanage days... And here comes another guessing game!

The person who can tell me what Tom, the kid who talked to snakes, had weird powers and "belonged to some other world"'s, last name is and what boarding school he was shipped to later on, can tell me an anectdote request idea for a chapter here :3... I borrowed Tom from a book, btw!


	7. Of Ash and Ketchup

A/N: I friend-ship Laito and Kou since I played Laito's route and he SPOILER becomes friends with Kou in the good ending and Kou helps him with his relationship with Yui 3 It's really cute

Of Ash and Ketchup

Subaru Sakamaki woke up early at dusk to see the fading colors of the horizon... and enjoy some waking peace and quiet moments, all by himself.

It was a Saturday afternoon, and he knew Kou Mukami, the most annoying and talkative house member, had a concert to give tonight, and had invited Laito, the guy with the creepy eye's preferred, constantly snickering talking buddy, to see it.

Yuma had somehow dragged Shu to a martial arts convention; Subaru was pretty sure Azusa hid himself in the car after Yuma denied him an invitation to all those... likely pain inflicting activities. He tried not to picture Yuma and Shu trying to get Azusa off the various fighting rings and weaponry shops; they'd probably come back in a bad mood... but most importantly, late.

The rest of the house had nothing to do, but still, five fewer people was a luxury in this crammed house! He wondered when the hell they could return to the old house; at least there were sometimes people working there to ensure the chaos was normal-ish, and that Ayato's lego pieces weren't on the floor or near the stairs... was he ten?!

Either way, he wouldn't pick up a mess he hadn't made, it wasn't his problem, and trying to reason with people often brought more frustration than just being away from it all.

It looked like everyone had the same logic as the self-important guy who had nearly made him trip while being asleep in his iron maiden at the same time. That was a new level of annoying; the presumed future head of the Sakamaki House literally didn't need to be awake to remind people of his stupidity.

Subaru also suspected nobody knew whose mess was which pile anymore; though the fucking scooter was definetly Ayato's; nobody could be so obnoxious to put a scooter on the stove to avoid making room on the kitchen floor or entrance hall for it.

Subaru sighed as left the kitchen and passed by Reiji's door. He wished he was more like Reiji himself, if only because he wanted to be able to keep his stuff tidy a bit longer than two days... Reiji's room always looked perfect! He worked harder than any of them, the huge nerd.

Meanwhile, Reiji was drinking the finest organic black tea of the region with pure gluten free oatmeal raisin cookies in his room, and suddenly wondered why they hadn't gotten any post lately. Surely someone had managed to get himself indebted by now?

However, his question was answered soon, as the phone rang.

Reiji was startled mid-sip, and wet his pure white glove. Better throw it away.

The phone had no cable from that one time Laito had cut it off to refrain Yui Komori from communicating with the outside world during her stay in their mansion. Blimey, he could have just plugged it off! That was a really unnecessary waste.

But if the phone somehow worked, it meant it was a call from a supernatural being! A bit nervous, he picked up, and heard some strange, coarse breathing on the line.

-Hello?

-Reiji?

Reiji was afraid of ghosts, and this person from another world sounded like one, and it knew his name!

-W-who is this?

-I am your father... -a raspy, aphonic voice said-

-Noooo!

Reiji nearly dropped the phone, alarmed

-Reiji. Listen to me.

-You're not my father! Don't call here ever again.

-Wait, Reiji Sakamaki, the supernatural connection makes the voice sound like a science fiction character's, but it is I, Karl-Heinz, king of vampires, speaking to you!

Or should I mention the watch I gave you so long ago for you to believe me, son?

Reiji didn't like how the last sentence sounded, as he felt stinging venom flowed through his already stopped circulation system in his chest; was he intentionally toying with him?

-Long time no news. What do I owe this miracle to, father?

-I would like to say it is a miracle that I come into contact with any of you lately; why have you been ignoring all of my letters? -more heavy breathing.

Just what was the vampire overlord doing? And was that the sound of a circus? Where in tarnation was he?

-I have not recieved any letters. Are you sure you didn't send them to the old, more spacious house? -Reiji tried to sound stern, but he had begun to do the vampiric equivalent of hand-sweating; if there had been indeed letters but he'd failed to read them..!

-I am sure, as I am making some money by hosting events there...

Reiji began to turn green and feel cold; this was bad. He'd surely missed the letters somehow. And as if their father needed more money! What was he up to?

-Listen Reiji, there is an urgent request regarding my plan, which I will not let any of you into, unless you happen to complete it.

Let's say I will stop sponsoring the Sakamaki family, incluiding you, if you can't manage to keep the new house clean within a reasonable standard, and you all will need to get a human job...

Reiji's eyes widened; he had failed at keeping the house clean indeed, but managing 9 people was different than managing 5! And a human job... he would have prefered it if a ghost had called instead. He felt paralyzed.

The Ketchup Lord continued,

-I've heard about the broken water pipe from the neighbors, and also about the continuous noise of falling stones... which makes me think someone has broken the ceiling and walls several times.

Reiji's mouth was dry as the world began to turn upside down without him. It seemed like his legs had rooted themselves to the floor and his hand had fused with the phone.

-As you know, I am not bankrupt at all, since besides being the vampire overlord, I happen to have a small tomato sauce business which uses sustainable energy from free volcano ashes, and now I get to use the Sakamaki and Mukami manors as event locations as well.

-You doing that looks similar to humans taking desperate measures, Karl-Heinz. It's hard to respect. Care to tell me the name of the tomato sauce company? I feel like I've heard of it before...

-No matter, Reiji. Is Shu at home? He must have gotten the letters; they were addressed to him.

Reiji's forehead creased as he felt a knot in his throat. Wasn't he trustworthy enough? When had he ever done something that proved he'd fail at taking a responsability? And also, when had Shu ever demonstrated any interest in taking any? He needed to lay down.

-No, he'll be late. -Reiji replied, dryer than usual- Perhaps he's eating tomato sauce instead of blood at one of your parties right now. Where is the martial arts convention?

Silence in the line.

-Don't ask pointless questions, Reiji! What I want you to do is the following... regroup the Sakamaki house and clean the forsaken rented home.

-We are renting? Aren't you the billionaire vampire overlord?

-I shall say no more, your mission is given, I must retreat to my endeavors.

And he hung up. Reiji needed to sit back down and grabbed his already cold cup of tea. It was now ruined. What on Earth was he supposed to do?! First, he'd see if there was, by chance, a pile of mail in that good-for-nothing's room...

There was, and it was all bent into origami crane birds. How pointless. The anger heat he began to feel in his throat dissipated when he saw the martial arts convention pamphlet: Shu didn't know, but wasn't that the Mukami mansion's address? Yuma surely didn't even know his own address, the brute peasant... Either way,

-Subaru! Kanato! Ayato! Wake up this instant!

-What the hell, Foureyes!? -Ayato growled from his bedroom.

-Teddy... this rude person doesn't realize it's stupid if you ask for a favor early on weekends... right? We'll make sure he has a miserable time for waking us, we will... -Kanato muttered, as he got out of his room, dragging his fluffy unicorn pajamas

Subaru said nothing, since he was already snacking about on the couch.

-There are news from Karl-Heinz. If we don't keep the house clean, we'll have to get a human job to survive... and since we don't have a university degree, it's guaranteed to be the low class kind!

-Nice try, Foureyes. -Ayato yawned- Maybe that'll happen to you, but the great me is too good to get a human job... -he stretched and yawned again- besides, you're making that up!

Reiji held the letter to Ayato's nose.

Ayato read, increasing the width of his eyes with every sentence.

-No. I can't accept this. You made it up! Anyone can grab a computer these days!

Besides, what is this Heinz Tomato Sauce logo?!

-It looks like Reiji assumed we've never watched a detective movie. So conceited because he reads the novel instead of watching the movie. Isn't he, Teddy?

-But..!

Ayato and Kanato dissappeared. How couldn't they believe him?!

Subaru looked at him and offered popcorn.

I am willing to clean my stuff... if only I knew which pile it is, and under whose stuff it is!

Reiji massaged his temples as he chewed.

Ruki wouldn't try to convince the Sakamakis to pick up their stuff, but if the Mukami's stuff was on top of their's... Shu was the only one who could convince Ayato and Kanato to do anything; Laito and Subaru weren't so stubborn... but their mess wasn't as stupid and obnoxious. He'd hate it, but he needed some cooperation.

-I need to talk to Ruki, you go get Shu, he's at a brutes's convention our demented father organized at the Mukami mansion. He hid the letters, you need to make him to convince the others somehow! I'm not picking up their idiotic mess!

Subaru was at a loss; he liked Shu, but he'd never had to convince him to do anything, and only Yuma seemed to have the Shu-raising superpower!

Yuma must have a cell phone... now, if only he hadn't broken his own in a rage outburst... He'd never answer Reiji's call though... he'd practice Laito's stalking phone use! What had his incredibly awkward advice been..?

AN: Next chapter is the continuation of this one; on to the martial arts convention and strategies to solve this small huge problem lol


	8. To bust, or not to bust?

A whole new world!

Yuma was really pumped about the martial arts convention he'd seen on a pamphlet that had hit him square in the face!

The wind blew it onto him while he was taking a stroll through the bad part of town for a chance to remember anything about his past.

He needed a good brawl now he lived with the psychomakis, who were an unwise choice if one seeked a punching bag due to their purebreed superpowers, but he didn't feel like being a working hitman again... Making battle a sport was a perfect compromise!

He'd thought of taking the lazy bum with him, there was this meditation class in which he could drop the neet as if it was daycare if it turned out he'd have to drag him around.

What Yuma wasn't aware of was the reason the snack bag he'd packed for himself, as Shu claimed he'd only eat blood until chewing anything was absolutely necessary, wasn't heavy because of food, but because the content was now none other than Azusa Mukami, who had eavesdropped on Yuma's passionate speech about hitting people to Shu.

Azusa would have had earned himself a couple of punches during the Mukami/Sakamaki cohabitation time, but even Kanato didn't wanna hit him, somehow!

Even if Kanato was having tantrums all the time, blamed his dreams about a walled city and human-eating giants on the Mukami family (Azusa was intrigued, Kanato's nightmare seemed to have a storyline), and Azusa told him he could take out his rage on him.

Of course, Ruki heard and got angry at him... and at Kanato for almost indulging; "Touch him at your own risk. We know where Teddy lives.", Ruki glared, looking down on Kanato in his strictest tone. Kanato cried.

-There, Kanato, please don't suffer like this... come on, it makes me uncomfortable if you cry, wanna eat ice cream? -Ayato had stuttered as he arrived at the scene from the bathroom. Indeed, he looked extremely uncomfortable. Azusa didn't understand. It looked fake.

In the car, Shu was musing how the meditation music was nowhere as complex as Rachmaninov, or even Camille Sainz Saens, and Yuma argued that was the whole point, not to have a complex mind for a while!

Shu laughed and replied Yuma was exaggerating meditation in that case, and Yuma took a while to get the joke, but eventually spat Shu was so complex he couldn't move because his RAM memory had run out, and Shu asked why he'd compare him to something as simple as a computer...

Azusa was trying so hard not to laugh, but he was sure some time either of them would notice the bag was shaking and making noises... he bit Justin and whispered to him for help... it worked!

-Shut up, the bag is talkin' or something!

Shu looked at the innocent bag and shrugged,

-Looks normal to me. Your CPU might have a virus.

-I'm serious! Listen!

Azusa's forehead sweated. Hopefully they were nearly there.

A few minutes later, the car started slowing down and Yuma opened the window,

-WHAT?! What's going on in our old house?! What's with the crowd? Driver?

-Edg-eh- Yuma, the driver is an invisible familial trained not to talk to us... it's useless... however, why is he stopping?

The car door opened, Yuma looked at the driver's seat, perplexed.

Then the seat ejected him out of the car into a sidewalk. Shu said it'd be a drag to get ejected and rolled out of the leather seat to sit down on the sidewalk.

The car drove away in an insulting indifference, except when Yuma tried to stand up and shout obscenities; the car stopped and rammed toward the vampires, but crashed on stuff without getting damage on itself; a fire hydrant exploded into a huge water tower, and Yuma dropped into his butt in fright. Only then did the haunted car leave.

The forgotten bag in which Azusa had hidden himself was thrown out of the ceiling window of the limousine and landed on a bush.

-Your thug convention is here for real. -Shu drawled as the hydrant's water nearly drowned the convention's upbeat pop music,

 _I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie wooorld, life in plastic, is fantastic_

-The FUCK does he think he is?! Who will fix that water blowing thing now?! The police will try to get us for it!

-That's irrelevant, it wasn't even us... look at the main door, there's a sign there.

The martial arts convention was at the old Mukami mansion. Yuma was flooded with a wave of nostalgia and anger that made the slight panic almost disappear: had Karl Heinz sacked them of their comfortable, family-only home to hold conventions in it?!

He longed for the quiet dusks when Ruki sat on the porch reading, he tended to his plants, Kou lay on his back on the grass to look at the sky and Azusa knitted instruments to keep his knives in next to Ruki.

How embarrassing, they sounded like human old geezers in a retirement home.

He turned to pick up the suddenly light bag from the bushes and wondered...

What had the Sakamakis normally spent their near-dawns like? Did they miss any aspect of their former lives other than not living in a crammed middle class house?

More importantly,

-Shu! The bag is empty!

-Huh? How? Kou came in contact with it?

-No, it was full and heavy some minutes ago!

Azusa had sneaked out of the bag, into the bush, and was now hooded in line to enter the convention, as Yuma and Shu kept arguing like an old married couple. He was beaming, he'd enter a whole new world of pain soon!

 _Come on Barbie let's go party! Ah ah ah yeah!_

Azusa heard firemen approach and a familiar voice shouting outside... had Yuma gone Hercules on the vicinity so soon?

-I swear it was not my goddamned fucking car, officer! I didn't fucking rip the damned hydrant open either! Who the hell would do that!?

This was strange. Anyhow...

 _Oh, Im having so much fun! Well, Barbie, we're just getting started!_

He'd been busy hiding but... this is his old house! Why is there a convention in it? And that table is not for... wait, they're not dancing, they're fighting and doing acrobacy!

His eyes lit up as he watched capoeira... it was like a ritual for potentially getting hit, and they also made it look pretty!

Subaru tried Laito's phone stalking technique to call Yuma,

 _Please leave a message_

-Oi, Yuma! It's Subaru! Answer the fucking phone! The house is- WE'RE GETTING FIRED AS MONEY SUCKING VAMPIRES IF WE DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE! COME BACK HERE!

 _Your message exceeded the time given._

 _Please leave a message_

-YUMA COME CLEAN THE HOUSE WE'RE GETTING FIRED!

Of course, not many people know that when one shouts on the phone the voice gets more distorted,

-Give me a second, officer, it's my roommate Subaru, he might know something; let me hear his message...

What? Yuma dialed the number given,

-Subaru! Why did you call? What dumbass girl is on fire?!

-THIS IS NOT A JOKE, YUMA!

But the signal was lost at the beginning of Subaru's desperate cry,

-This girl is on fire? -Yuma got irritated. How useless can you get? That's what happens when you need help; you ask for it and end up being asked for help yourself!

-That can wait, just grab a bucket, you pampered bastard; my old house is full of some riffraff modern aristocrats and the invisible driver broke a hydrant and framed me and Shu! Text me if you manage to put out the fire...

-FIRED, YUMA, FIREEEED! KICKED OUT if we don't clean up soon! FROM OUR HOUSE! And the vampire clan of my father's Masterplan.

-Oh, that explains the call without the number. You are some good stalker... almost Laito level!

Subaru turned red, but now wasn't the time to protest,

-Stop the babbling, get your and Shu's ass here, Shu has to convince these idiots this is for real; Reiji is so anxious he lost control over them! HE BROUGHT HIMSELF TO THE HOMEMADE TORTURE CHAMBER, DO SOMETHING YUMAAAAAA!

Yuma had sepparated the phone from his head due to the increased decibel levels. That meant the officer had already written his name down.

-Calm down, Subaru! I'm trying to assure the police I didn't explode a fire hydrant next to my old house here!

The officer eyed Yuma suspiciously; he knew that look... he'd gotten it so often during his hitman days; the officer assumed he was a young criminal in some kind of mafia.

-Yuma... I don't wanna get a job, and your adored Shu doesn't, either. Give the officer my father's credentials, money, or anything you have there! Shu must have the credit cards for a bribe! Just make sure they don't take-

-NONONO OFFICER, NOT THE NEET! Neet, why do you let them cuff you, don't get in their car!

-It's too bothersome explaining an invisible driver...

The officers who'd tied Shu up looked at each other and one of them said on the walkie talkie,

-Lieutenant, at least one of them is definitely delusional.

Tall, blond,blue eyes; big canine teeth, nickname "Neet". The other's sanity should be questioned as well; very tall, almost 2m; long hair, muscular, also big fangs, nickname, or name, "Yuma"... or something; so far we think they're in some cult or gang due to their big fangs. Relation unknown.

-You talk too much, officer... -Shu yawned- turn of the blue and red lights, they're annoying.

-Don't make it worse for you, young man. -the other young man retorted.

Yuma was on the edge of hysteria. Why the hell was Shu getting arrested like he wasn't the future king of vampires?!

-Shu! Where's your motivation?! You have to do something! They won't believe me, but they will believe you, believe it! Karl Heinz's... your father's credit card!

Shu had already sat on the police car open trunk and made himself comfortable.

I'll solve this when the time comes, Edg... Yuma.

The police woman trying to negotiate with Yuma's turn to talk to the unseen Lieutenant had come,

-Lieutenant Surge, "Edgyuma" Mentions "Neet" has the chief of the Heinz Ketchup corporation's credit card; should we interpret it as a claim of robbery, or delusion? The young man's appearance and speech manner is the one of someone who grew up in some kind of victorian slum.

The Lieutenant spoke for the first time,

-Victorian slum, officer? That is interesting. Inspect "Neet"'s belongings closer. Call me again in 15 minutes, I am training my mutant electric rat to join forces with the unit on the next mission. It's important not to be interrupted.

-Yes, there's something ancient about this person; it could be the haircut, or the pendant he has, but the rest of him is definetly Slumdog Millionaire; either robbery or a surprising story. Understood. Over and out.

Yuma wasn't sure if being called ancient was a good or bad thing in their situation, but the woman thought there was a chance he wasn't some slum lunatic; he'd try to talk to her. Though he didn't find himself especially convincing with an empty bag...

-Our Lieutenant wants to know more about this credit card of yours. How did you come into contact with it?

Yuma's phone boomed at that moment,

-YUMA, it's full moon tonight! I can fly there and bust you bastards out!

-MUKAMI HOUSE, SUBARU! HURRY!

The officer took some notes, rather intrigued about this possible werewolf cult.

Meanwhile, Azusa was having the time of his life doing Aikido...

 _Till next time!_

 _AN: Lol Yuma and Shu arrested was too much fun to write... I got a new job, so it has been difficult to find the time to keep on writing, but I will :)_

 _I think for me, Kanato and Yuma (especially Yuma) are the most fun point of view to write from because they're so different from me, and while Yuma has some sanity and good will to him, Kanato is INSAAAAANEEEEEE xD... but Reiji, Kou and Ruki are the ones whose minds come the easiest to mine._


	9. The little brother

Subaru arrived via flying and jumping from roof to roof. Scaring little kids on his way to the Mukami house was of course part of the ordeal. Adults just thought they had seen either an optical illusion or a very realistic scarecrow dressed in ragged punk clothes that'd flown away. Nobody bothered reporting something as unbelieveable as a flying teenager, either way. Not that Subaru cared; at the moment, all that was in his head was getting his peace and house back from the clutches of chaos and Karl Heinz's threat.

He must be nearly there: it started smelling like halfbreed. Must be Yuma. But a stronger smell was coming from inside the building; like a halfbreed doing some heavy duty sport. Was it... Azusa?

No, why would he be inside while Shu and Yuma are in a predicament! Unless he doesn't know... either way, Subaru, concentrate! -Subaru told himself as he approached the police.

Yuma was talking to the policewoman,

-Officer, you have to believe me, there's no proof, but we were dropped by a driver who framed us because I cussed at him!

-Sure. But you still haven't told me where you acquired the car, or the driver... Mr. Mukami, there is also no record of you anywhere but at Ryoutei Academy. You have to understand you are highly suspicious though I'd really love to hear your story...

Subaru overheard and approached faster,

-Yo, lady. I am Subaru, Shu's brother.

-Take notes, Delaware; either of these people's name is Shu, not "Neet" or "Edgyuma".

Subaru's stomach twisted. Had he already fucked up by greeting?

-So, young man, who are you, and what is your relation to these people? I also see you have fangs, are you part of the werewolf cult?

Subaru stood still, agape.

-Subaru, what are you doing? Hand out the stuff already! -Yuma shouted over the officer's shoulder.

-I have some stuff, officer...

-I need your name and an ID first, sir.

Subaru did not bring his own ID. His palms got sweaty as he fumbled his pockets.

-Are you by chance a student of the Ryoutei Academy as well?

-I- I- uh...

-Subaru! -Yuma paled

-So let's assume your name is Subaru...

-Yes, ma'am, Subaru Sakamaki, Ryoutei Academy student.

-Oh, I've heard of you! You beat up some poor bastard for throwing a trashcan your way, and he needed stitches... also, saliva with anti-coagulants and tooth shaped marks were found on his arm wound...

Subaru wanted to vomit; he'd wanted to help but was making it worse; it had been all fine till the police stopped believing in a werewolf cult and now linked them to something- ANYTHING blood related! He'd doomed them!

-Are you okay, sir? I mean, I know, blood, gross, you might still feel guilty... but that substance was likely due to some illegal drugs he took in order to think throwing a trashcan on a person was a good idea. That's why we did not get back at you.

You are 16 years old, am I right?

-Y-yes. I'm the youngest Sakamaki.

-Where are the others?

-Why do you ask? -he felt suspicious now; anything he said could incrimminate him or his brothers.

-Because as a minor you cannot bail anyone out of police endeavors, since you are very young and could be easily manipulated into the werewolf cult, -Behind the police woman,Yuma flinched every time the words 'werewolf cult' were mentioned- so we need a responsible adult. Do you have older brothers?

Subaru would never put the word 'responsible' next to Ayato or Kanato... and Laito! Why would Laito have more credibility than him?! Stalking is illegal! He even looked suspicious without trying! Ayato put his scooter on the stove he'd blown up 2 weeks ago! Kanato carried a fucking Teddy with him everywhere and talked to it!

Where the fuck is Azusa?! But Azusa is 17 in human years... for fucks sake, he was 216 in human years, but as a vampire, grew way slower... what is this legal age shit to him?! He made a hole on the asphalt by stomping on it in anger.

The police woman was shocked,

-Wow, the pavement material must suck... sir, come with me, we need to take you to a youth councellor as soon as possible.

-It's Sunday! Don't take him away, nobody will open their office over this! -Yuma pleaded, desperate. It was Saturday, dammit. He prayed to the god of vegetables she wouldn't notice. Then, a miracle happened. Shu got up and out of the police car.

The god of vegetables existed?!

-Ma'am leave my younger brother Subaru alone, he's just mad he can't bail me out, but he has my ID and all the papers that prove we're innocent in his bag -he yawned- just look at it; there's Karl Heinz's credit card here as well.

-Neet! Finally! -Yuma supressed tears of joy; no crying in front of the police!

-So... Shu Sakamaki. -she checked the papers further- very well, let's all get outta here, enjoy the convention.

The police left as fast as it arrived, and Subaru sulked about having been seen as a kid though he was probably older than the entire police unit combined.

-Thank you, Shu. How did you do that? What didn't I do?!

-No problem... ugh, where am I gonna sit now? -he looked around and just lay on the grass- you see, the first time you run into the police, the police runs you over... the next time, you are a tiny obstacle... after, they spot you instead of just wanting to arrest you... and the hundredth time, you run them over.

-Neet, you didn't exactly handle them right before Subaru got in trouble!

-I don't do enough stupid stuff to be on the hundredth time... however, Yuma, I've heard you should already know...

-Those were other times, Neet! Shut up already!

-Whatever... it's good that you haven't had to handle them often like me or Reiji... especially Reiji, since he covers up for everyone's blood-sucking mistakes.

That's too bothersome for me.

Subaru realized something. Shu had gotten up instead of lazying around till he got it right to get him out of trouble sooner?

-What took you so long to get off your ass, Neet?

-No motivation without papers... and no motivation unless Subaru really needed to see how it is done.

Next time he'll bail us in no time, he did most things right on his first try.

-Huh?! Who says I'm gonna bail you again?!

Shu laughed. He totally would. That's what brothers are for. Sort of.

First time Yuma had seen an actual bond between the Sakamakis other than Laito and Ayato's really annoying one.

He was happy for the Neet that he had someone who cared about him, no matter how incompetent he was 99% of the time.

-Where's Azusa? Why did he let you get arrested? -Yuma and Shu were confused- ...wait, you don't know he's in there?

Yuma bolted into the entrance as he shouted some old timey bad words.

-Subaru... call a taxi, and then collect Yuma, and whatever is left of Azusa. I'm tired.


	10. The phantom market

**The phantom market**

Ayato was walking back from collecting the month's blood supply from the hospital and was in a good mood because it had been incident-free and he hadn't needed to knock anyone out for once!

The police hadn't even suspected the ice cream truck he drove was a stolen one! Or that he didn't have a license.

Did he look like an ice cream vendor? How legit is an ice cream truck behind a hospital at 11pm?

Who cares, he was back, and the ice cream truck was sent away with an invisible driver to avoid further suspicion.

He deserved a treat for developing his very own master stealth technique.

But he'd already eaten up the whole local takoyaki buffet's supply... he'd deserved a treat for passing math, although Reiji insisted that had been his obligation and to stop wasting the much needed house-repairing money.

It was meant for the unhinged torture chamber door though, who cares! Only Reiji had used the chamber (on himself) lately, why would he need privacy to torture himself?!

So, what treat would be nice..?

As usually happens whenever one thinks of what one wants in this story, a flying poster almost hit Ayato's face, but he caught it first. Hah! Of course his reflexes were the best.

 _Garden Sale!_

 _We don't need a bunch of stuff at home anymore._

 _Please come get it at a low, low price._

 _Extra discount for the haunted items._

 _Address: blablablablablabla_

 _TOMORROW_

And a picture of a winking doge.

Good idea! I'll take Laito shopping, he loves haunted stuff and Reiji hates it. And I hate Reiji. Bet Laito's still butthurt about the giant cockroach Reiji refused to get off the bathtub, so he'll come even if it's daytime.

Ayato started to laugh in an evil fashion until a woman threw cold water at him,

-Shut up! -she shouted and left the window.

Ayato waited a few freezing minutes and scratched a dick and a sign that read "use this to fuck yourself, you need it, cunt!" on her parked car and left.

Next day, Laito was in shopping mood and so happy.

Ayato cringed at the frilly bag made out of panties he'd crafted. Laito was so huggy and touchy today, did he need socializing or whatever? He'd been to a concert only last weekend, he needs to tone it down! What ridiculous Wall Sina Idol Pokeball Master Tour was Kou at?! Laito's so needy... but all right, his majesty himself would make the isolation-ridden pervert happy today, he deserved a treat for being so enthusiastic about his plan.

Laito was talking too much in the otherwise quiet, peaceful car! Why would his royalness care about the idol concert he'd been to? Living with an idol was hard enough, and now a Kou and Co. fan?

-...And I found a website in which people auction panties designed by cute idols, but they never say who designed each... so I got them all!

-Laito, these panties were clearly designed by KOU!

-Ah... you ruin the fantasy, Ayato! I was so excited to have the creativity and lewdness of so many cute girls in one bag for myself!

-You are a pervert.

-Thank you! But...

-This was KOU'S DESIGN, only friggin Kou would do this, don't you see? Female idols are too virginal to design panties anyway!

Laito looked slightly disappointed, but not convinced.

-The great me will ask him, wanna bet?

Laito chuckled and smirked a perverted smile.

-But I want to see you do that in person, and tell him you think the panties are sooo pretty...

-The panties are ugly as fuck, Laito! I will not tell lies!

-Oh, Ayato... I was trying to make it more exciting! We would tell him it was a bet after, no need to act like someone cut the words "I must not tell lies" onto your hand!

-You are strange. -Ayato spotted the garage sale outside the window: perfect! That'll shut him up!- Look, we're here! Ok, grab the hideous panty bag and let's shop!

The garage sale was in one of the supposedly haunted districts of the city, a bit too far on the outskirts for most people's comfort. It was rather strange they hung a pamphlet

near the Bunker, Laito thought. Or maybe they had hired their grandson to do that, as this house must belong to old people... the building looked like a victorian mansion, and a butler was multitasking too many ancient plates and porcelain dolls at once.

Only old people could hire a bulter... or, as it seemed the case here, rich brats could inherit them. There was a thirteen year old bossing the butler around, who said "Yes my Lord" like it was his biggest passion.

The look on the boy's only visible eye made him wonder what had happened to him... he looked at Laito, and Laito smiled with unease; had he just looked at himself? He recognized that expression... someone or something had devoured the joy out of his soul; his loss had been too harsh, yet he pretended all was under control... Laito's stomach went cold, but he wanted to approach and talk to him. Yet once he'd taken a step toward him, the child whispered into the butler's ear, who proceeded to block Laito's way. Time to bail?

-Hello sir, allow me to assist you with your purchases.

Apparently not.

-Ya-hooo! Sir, I gotta say I love how you set up everything! I don't know what to get yet...

-Perhaps a hobby would be a suitable option; staring at people will lead you to get beaten up, sir, with all due respect.

Laito was baffled. The butler grabbed a broom and literally swept Laito out of the young master's sight and into the section of objects that looked like people below age 40 could afford.

In the meantime, Ayato was having a great time looking at antique torture tools, but what had really caught his eyes was that there were signs that said "haunted objects" and "not haunted"; and a third one: "please take it off us". Not a chance. He wasn't stupid to take that black book full of ink and dirt that had a saber tooth through it. It smelled bad. This seemed just like his kind of shopping! He was about to open a white chest with red circles on the sides that read "games" on it. The lock was awesome: a miniature chainsaw! Just his taste. It was locked though. Sucks. He could try to pick the-

BAM!

-Laito! Look where you're going!

Ayato lifted his eyes and saw his brother had been... swepped by the butler like garbage?

The butler smiled professionally,

-Please refrain of shopping within the rich people premises;

it makes us nervous you'll break something we'd never get you out of debt for...

we would like to indebt people who could actually have the hope to be able to repay someday.

Ayato felt insulted. Did he look so poor? Was that the reason he could now get away with an ice cream truck robbery?

-Here are some things people like you would enjoy more. -he continued- Make yourselves at home!

Laito was still baffled and stared at the butler with an open mouth.

He was used to getting kicked out of places, but had the brat just told him to sweep away the poor people?

He prefered to get sacked for being a pervert or stuff he actually was...

The butler broke the saw lock and the chest opened:

A Nintendo 64 with some catridges lay inside.

The brothers looked inside and looked at some game titles in the non-haunted section.

-Hey, Mr. butler, what is meant by "haunted" here?

But as Laito lifted his head to hear the answer, he found himself without a receptor for his question.

-Hey, look, Laito! It's time to push Reiji over the edge! A haunted videogame!

-Oh, you're still upset about having to remove your sneakers out of the fridge, or about the obsessive compulsive window repairing you were forced to do? -Laito laughed

Ayato furrowed his brows. Didn't he remember the bug?

-He didn't help you when you were scared, aren't you gonna get back at him?

-He removed an anthill out of my desk on Wednesday, and even made me tea after and sat down to explain how ants actually worked!

-Why was there an anthill on your desk, Laito?

-I think we should spare him this time, let's get one of the non-haunted ones, since he's so scared of ghosts...

What a softie! All right, but he couldn't frame himself for the haunting, if such a thing was real in this case, that would be annoying.

He needed to distract Laito and make him pick one of the haunted ones. None of the games had a label though... he'd put the golden one on the non-haunted section; it would surely call Laito's naive attention!

But he'd already gotten distracted. He was talking to a kid with an eyepatch on the other side of the poor section of the garden. Well, he'd pick three and would pay for them and assure Laito they weren't haunted.

-Hello, do you live here? -Laito asked the kid

-This is a holiday home. We're only here until tomorrow.

-I see... it's so beautiful! I bet your parents love victorian...

-...

-Oh, sorry... my mother's dead as well.

-...

-Why are you in town?

-We need to get rid of old things... some haunted things are so because tragedy struck around them.

-You mean this sale is symbolically taking the tragic events out of your sight, and out of your mind?

-And out of the way to accomplish my responsibilities.

-Makes sense. I wouldn't want to remember a lot of things, but unfortunately, those are not engraved in an object I can get rid of -Laito laughed- I just hope that gets dissipated away by a silver knife one day.

Something made the younger man widen his eyes. He felt his covered eye throb. This suspicious youth wasn't a normal so-called emo; that hadn't been an expression.

-You state the need to hire an assassin quite lightly.

-No, I wish it was someone special... someone I love should do it. That way, I'll be theirs for eternity.

The young master's head bowed down in sorrow.

Something about this stranger's statements touched something inside him,

perhaps the need to be close to someone enough to entrust his life to them, not just via contract, but via heart and soul as well.

He had someone like that, but did he actually care to, maybe, decide not to take his life away just yet, to wait till it was time if it was for him?

Before turning against him out of selfish desire?

-You can't be really theirs while you're alive? -he looked at Laito, hoping to find an answer to his own question himself- Is there such a person in your life?

-Good questions.

Laito wondered if he'd done enough for anyone to want to take away his sorrow... wether via death, or... via life, like the kid implied? That doesn't make sense. An image of a concert came to him. And a cup of tea. Also a burnt takoyaki tray.

He smiled a little. Why was he thinking of these things right now? He was going to go crazy if he kept talking to this kid, who was too sullen for his age.

-Laito! Come here, they're closing! -Ayato had a small basket full of vintage torture tools, a N64 and 3 catridges.

He snapped out of his dusk-staring induced trance and said goodbye to the house owner.

-Goodbye, gentleman. -he replied

Gentleman? Was this really a kid, or some kind of phantom of the opera that had a victorian house full of servants, busy as a bee hive?

Ayato was getting impatient; he probably bought the haunted games, but well, if Reiji didn't know, he would probably not notice, real haunted stuff was rare, either way...

 _AN: Ayato was too much fun to write in this chapter :3_

 _As you know, I love Laito so much, he's a special character for me. It fills me both with joy and sorrow when I write him._

 _Whoever guesses who the kid is gets to make a cameo in the story HOHOHO (you will not get killed, I promise)_


	11. The musical instrument of maturity

It was a long weekend, and the Sakamaki-Mukami flatshare was tired after cleaning up and repairing the whole apartment. Ayato and Laito came in just in time with a solution to the exhaustion: videogames. It would be a surprise which games they were, since their labels had been taken off. There was a haunted one among them, which Ayato would make sure to play whenever Reiji was there, since he was scared of ghosts despite being a vampire. What the hell, that was absurd.

The first videogame they managed to start playing had really interesting music: Shu came out of his cavern, took out his headphones and slouched on the couch. This was worth the hassle of hearing Ayato and Laito talk. It wasn't their usual banter and ranting, though... They were acting out the dialogues: no need to keep the eyes open, then. Good.

The action was epic and the kid in the game never gave up on his goal despite having everything against him. He even looked a bit like Boss. Yuma had joined to watch, and since he didn't have the energy for shoving Shu off his favorite corner to make space for himself after so much work, he became Shu's TV pillow.

The couch was almost full, but Kanato liked the creatures and characters. Some were even cute, like the little ranch girl who sang to her horse.

He'd have his sweet snack while he watched. He wished he had a pretty horse he could call via singing, too. He was a great singer, to tell the truth; maybe some day he should try doing something with it.

The strategies one had to implement in dungeons all had interesting visual codes one had to descypher as not mere design chances... Ruki could not resist and brought his reading pouf along to give advice when whoever was playing got stuck.

Laito's script reading, everyone's gasps of excitement and Ayato's comments made Reiji listen from the lab: what a well-written story! He ended up watching despite having to be in the same room as Shu and Yuma, who chewed sugar cubes so loud! As if the heavens would forgive his uncouthness for it.

Kou wasn't home, so Subaru could get past the living room to get food. But the TV caught his attention: he wanted to play, too! The concept of a child having to rescue a whole kingdom by himself... How come he fought these terrifying monsters on his own? He wanted to try and beat them up!

He sat down as quietly as possible next to Azusa, who was stealing Kanato's forgotten snack while it was his turn to play.

Laito was happy; he doubted getting everyone together to do something fun would be possible, but here they were, making jokes and comments over a game! It was almost like he had an actual family, like the ones he saw on TV. He hadn't realized how much he'd wanted such a thing. And they wanted to keep hearing his acting! Kou needed to hear about this!

Ayato loved the game, it was so intriguing... so fascinating how a musical instrument could make you younger and older just by playing a tune at the right place. He wondered if such magic existed somewhere, and thought of what he'd do if he had that instrument... if he'd have that power, he probably wouldn't use it to steal ice cream trucks or kill the Ketchup Lord and then live the vida loca; to be entrusted with that should mean the kid was reliable... was he reliable, himself? Did this reliability come with age and that's the reason for that fucked up church without chairs to exist in the game? Was there a fast forward in real life, even in vampire life, in which growth came slower?

Ruki was handed the controller when Reiji lost his patience at a temple under a lake. He admired the kid for not thinking it was all over when he saw his homeland destroyed overnight. Was he stupid? Or... had Ruki himself convinced himself there was no way up when his home got destroyed?

Sure, the lake wouldn't fill overnight after such a drought, and the frozen kingdom of the fish people wouldn't melt just like that, but his reflection on the surface of the water didn't look like that of a helpless kid anymore either... was he able to start melting it, one chunk at a time? Could he use his second chance on something other than being a pawn? As a kid he couldn't have done it, but how about now?

They continued the game over the next evenings, until Ayato had forgotten about the haunted game. Which soon would happen, since Laito had, effectively, suggested they play the remaining games together as well.

Shu sighed,

-It can't be helped... if you keep reading, it's fine by me. I'll be on the couch either way.

Next day

Everyone sat down near the TV: some extra seats had to be brought because, of course, the couch was full. The screen came on but instead of a guy riding a horse, creepy chants and Dracula's castle or a cool logo of sorts, the screen went pink.

A Barbie logo appeared on the screen, and Reiji put his glove back on so he could facepalm without messing up his skin with popcorn powder.

-Laito, was this your idea? This is another level of perversion...  
Laito had widened his eyes though; it seemed the only possible culprit could be the other market goer, Ayato, toward whom Reiji glared instead.

-Oh shut up four eyes,-said Ayato though Reiji had said nothing to him- there was no label on the catridge. Ruki laughed at the irony of shutting someone up when they hadn't spoken, yet felt uncomfortable.

Reiji rolled his eyes and massaged his temples, unaware of Ruki's observant stare.

-I'll go prepare something to eat.

Ruki suddenly felt very motivated to cook and not look at Barbie stuff. It was too kitsch and for him, it reminded him of all those people who had stuff they didn't need but were too stingy to spare a coin for a kid starving in the street.

Who in the world was a dentist, had a horse and a leopard that somehow didn't eat the horse, was a teacher and a spy in the same lifetime? It was like the red devil guy who walked on his butt from the Cow and Chicken cartoon Ruki had the disgrace of encountering in an attempt to get with the times. Barbie surely either came from a clone factory and lived in a distopic world where people all looked the same, or had a pact with the devil to obtain all she has because in reality, she's kind of useles... like himself. He sweated cold as he thought how he failed the Ketchup lord on his Adam mission.

-I shall join you. -Ruki stood up way too fast, followed Reiji, and Ayato gaped. They really thought this was some deliberate perversion?! Whatever, less people taking turns before him. Now, where was the golden catridge..?

Shu had fallen asleep, so Yuma could not stand up in peace anymore. Shu was like a goddamned cat! But wasn't there a different videogame in the shopping bag? Yuma could tell this wasn't a perverted game; it's called popular culture, for fuck's sake! Had Reiji been living in a fancy teapot long enough not to know toy lines for little girls?! Also, why does Ruki hate Barbie so much? He seemed to be having a silent angsty meltdown. Either way, he wasn't a fan of sparkly pink and ribbons, either...

-Hey! Put that away! Or I'll throw the Neet onto the screen so I can move the hell outta here!

-Why would you think we'd leave it on, Rambo?

An annoyed Ayato changed the catridge into the golden, haunted one.

Laito recognized this one's logo, but there was also a creepy mask staring back at him,

-Oh, look Ayato! Looks like a sequel to last one! How lucky! -Laito smiled, excited. And it had to do with costumes! Just what he loved! He couldn't wait to see what was in store...

The familiar menu music started, and being a second hand game, somebody had already started playing before them. There were 2 files available:

BLANK

and

COOKING

-Just put Reiji's name on the blank file, or Ruki -Ayato joked, barely hiding a snide giggle. If this was haunted, it should go all ouija board on the right target! Or his cooking buddy.

Laito wanted to play first, but obliged with the name, a bit reluctantly. He had forgotten this was supposed to be haunted.

-Hey, Laito... -Ayato laughed- What would happen if Ruki got possessed by the game and screwed up Reiji's pasta?

-It would turn into a disgusting, CREEPY PASTA, Ayato! -Kanato protested- You better not possess whoever cooks my dinner!

-I asked Laito, you gourmet party pooper!

Subaru had enough and stood up on Ayato's face, -Shut up and play, goddammit! and pushed the controller into a hysterically laughing Laito's hands till he fell backwards along with his bean bag seat. -Besides, who would be possessed and do something as stupid as fucking up a pasta?! I'm gonna kick your asses!

Azusa stepped between them, as he didn't care if they beat him up instead of each other,

-Please don't fight... the game looks very interesting, let's just have fun? -he noticed Laito was already at the intro where the hero gets assaulted by a masked dude his size.

-Look, -he continued, shy- "Reiji"'s horse just got stolen... can you please instead of beating yourselves up, enjoy the idea of Reiji being dragged by a horse?

-That's right! -Kanato interjected- that is more satisfying and acoustically pleasing than your pointless bickering! Teddy is rejoicing it, too!

By the time Azusa reached the Final Day of the 3 days given in the game for the player to solve each place's quest, during his turn on a canyon-like stage where the dead could not rest in peace due to a curse, he began to be stalked by a hollow statue one could normally conjure up with a song. It appeared everywhere without being summoned. It was meant to represent the hero and put his dead weight on several switches while the kid moved around freely.

The stalking statue disturbed Laito so much he discreetly slided neared to Yuma, along with Azusa, who was under the pretense to just give Yuma the controller.

Yuma was pretty unsettled, himself; in fact, he hadn't noticed the huddling around him, not even when Shu had turned his head away from the screen.

A statue that was supposed to be an empty shell, what you would look like without a soul and organic matter.

But was it any different from what he and his brothers looked at when they looked in the mirror after turning into vampires?

Maybe that was just part of the game, no point pondering it. He went up to the masked kid who had stolen the horse in the beginning, but the hero caught spontaneous combustion out of nowhere. The vampires shouted various things, not all corteous or calm.

Yuma, frustrated and unsettled, gave Subaru the controller.

He tried, but as he shot arrows, he kept getting the same message from the imp,

"You shouldn't have done that".

Spontaneous combustion, and the hero's body being mourned by several characters while still in flames.

-What the fucking..?

Ruki began making choking sounds and a struggle was heard. Quiet.

A burning smell came from the kitchen, Yuma wanted to run to the kitchen, had something happened to Ruki?

He tried to get off the couch from away from his surrounders, who totally didn't press against him in an attempt to keep him there as bodyguard.

He had to look for Ruki- but Ruki arrived from a different room, discreetly, with yesterday's soup and chocolate. Yuma didn't notice though, and ran to the kitchen.

A video of an underwater creature drowning appeared.

A shout was heard from the kitchen, Reiji's voice.

-What did you do to Ruki, to my brother! Huh? -Yuma stomped- Where did you hide him!? It smells like burnt flesh, bastard! What happened to him?

"Met with a terrible fate", the black screen read

Something broke in the kitchen, silence.

then the file names changed once the drowning video was over,

REIJI

DIED

Even Ayato paled. He wanted to die, sure, but it was a disgrace to die like that!

Kanato wimpered, as Laito jumped from Yuma's empty spot and turned off the game; maybe it would go away like that. The burning smell started to fade, but it was getting cold... was a shadow moving on the wall, or was it just his imagination?

The front door flew open, and a blond, hooded figure came through it erratically, like something that had emerged from a grave and was decomposing: nobody moved that way unless something was really broken!

-AYATO! THE GAME WAS HAUNTED! -Laito jumped behind the couch- REIJI DIED! YUMA TOO! WHERE'S RUKI!?

He was nearly in tears,

Ruki sighed and turned on the light.

-I'm here, I don't hate your acting, but you're going too far, Laito.

Laito, appaled, looked at the door as well. Kou had just arrived and was carrying 3 heavy backpacks. Also, his red eye was shining.

-Wow... I thought you would have missed me, but you were so scared right now! -Kou laughed- but you are all awful scared except for Ruki... did you prank them, Ruki? Why so serious, guys? Where is Yuma?

-Kou... Yuma... and Reiji... I don't think they're here anymore. -Azusa held his knees, sitting where Yuma had sat; he couldn't have saved them. For a moment he thought Reiji had really eliminated Ruki, so he hadn't cared he'd gone after Reiji, but if this was a mistake and Yuma had paid for it... a prickling sensation came to his eyes and blurred his vision.

-Please... Ruki didn't get cooked, like you think. -Shu finally came out of his stupor- Yuma broke something and suddenly everything went quiet... Yuma is not one for shutting up when he's mad, but if he sees he's wrong he won't insist on his point. -he sighed- you people got tricked by a videogame, how lame.

-What do you mean, Shu? Where is Reiji? -Subaru had stood up again, looking at the kitchen

-Shout you spilled food. That makes his royal neuroticness appear. And Yuma is cleaning the porcelain he slammed, which he'd only do to sort of appologize to Reiji for being a troglodite to him. If you hadn't all been such chickens, you would have heard the mop and Yuma's grunts underneath the sound of your whining and shouting.

-I would like to know why you didn't say anything! Teddy and I really thought we were being haunted and wanted to give Teddy a new friend!

-It was a hassle.

Kanato hugged Teddy closer and whispered,

-Teddy, next time, we should put a ghost in Shu's mirror like the one the Snow White Queen has, to tell him how much of an eyesore he is every day?

Reiji finally came into the room and all eyes and attention were on him, to his surprise.

-Whatever is the matter? Are you that starved?

Kou smelled pasta on the pyrex Reiji carried! His favorite thing!

-Ooh Reiji! Did you make pasta to welcome me from the Wall Sina Titan-Sized Tour? -he winked and Reiji grunted- Could it be you missed me so much you made vongole bianco? By the way the venue was this "Paradis Island"... super realistic medieval stage! I would have thought we were in a walled city, even! -he smiled at an annoyed Reiji.

-I have only fixed the pasta carbonara we intended to make before you people began to shout about statues. What was in that pink doll game?!

Ayato opened his mouth to protest but Kou got there first,

-Wow, the pasta looks creepy...

-You are free to refrain from eating it, Kou. -Reiji's vein was visibly pulsating as he smacked away Kou's pasta-prodding finger.

-I honestly don't know what overcame me, Reiji. -Ruki said, almost a whisper- I will cook next time.

-No matter. Although you should keep in mind you looked like you were possessed. Get a checkup at Yui and Shin's or with our father, since he's such a convincing nurse impersonator.

Ayato looked at Laito, who understood.

Oh shit. What other stupid joke had they made in front of the game?!

AN:

Zelda Ocarina of Time is so inspiring I wanted to write everyone's thoughts on it... I also wanted to do some family fluff, since I really wanted them to sort of get along for once TT_TT

and

OMG YES I completed my dream of writing a fic about a fic inside a fic XD!

I attempted a mix between horror and comedy in the Majora's Mask part... it was hard xD

If you are not familiar with the BEN DROWNED Creepypasta, you should read it, it's good


	12. Ruki Mukami and the Forbidden Library

_AN: Be warned, there is slight erotic content in this chapter because I wanted to try it out xD_

 _Nothing explicit or noncon though :3_

Ruki Mukami wasn't an ordinary modern aristocrat in many ways. For one, he had lived way longer than it had been expected for a normal person, time in which he accumulated rather strange, not so pleasant experiences.

Among them, being shot on the legs for trying to escape a hellish orphanage and burned on the back after as punishment for his defying initiative. Also, having to save himself in the streets as a homeless child whose father had commited suicide and whose mother ran off with a new man and forgotten about him, and later on, save his adoptive brothers from a snake frenzy. But most of all, Ruki Mukami was a vampire.

Of course, something like that, and leading the Mukami family, had made him think nothing could ever surprise him anymore. Yet here he was, having to deal with finding the cause of something possessing him out of nowhere. A haunted catridge Yuma had eliminated via flamethrower, apparently.

He didn't have a soul, or did he? He was an empty shell, what was there to possess in him? Just that there was no soul to expell first?

Reiji adviced to call Karl Heinz, who was, according to him, the only one who knew more about these matters than himself. Ruki objected; it wasn't necessary, since his little brother had already called the recently graduated exorcist Yui Komori.

Apparently, Azusa and Yui were pen pals and Azusa had told her about the catridge, as a letter included an extra sheet, clean, crisp, made of recycled paper and devoid of little stamps, glitter hearts and hand-drawn smileys (unlike the 3 page letter addressed to Azusa). He re-read it for the 5th time:

 _(Please show this to Ruki, or he will not believe this wasn't a tactic to make him calm his nerves.)_

 _Ruki,_

 _That is a relatively harmless ghost you encountered there; we read about haunted catridges and other media at exorcism school;_

 _this one was probably the spirit of a boy named Ben, who most likely had a violent death by drowning, but Yuma's instinct was right:_

 _by burning the vessel that contained it (not you, since it only entered you briefly), the spirit was sent into the higher light and is now with God._

 _There is nothing to worry about, but it's likely your energy is low, even for vampires; you need to do something about your PTSD._

 _In other words, you probably don't realize you think too much of your bad past and it makes your "soul" not be entirely here; maybe get distracted? Maybe get help concentrating in the present?_

 _Wish you luck,_

 _Yui Komori_

PTSD? Was that another one of the new mannerisms like OMFG and ROFL?

OMFG PTSD LOL why.

What did that livestock know about him anyway.

He could tell she still didn't like him half as much as she liked Azusa, who had always been her favorite non-Shin vampire; maybe it had to do with Ruki having led the expedition to kidnap her out of her original kidnappers's house to empty her blood vessels in order to make her the new race's child-bearing sub-leader.

However, getting distracted didn't sound too bad.

He needed to have a walk, maybe reading after.

Laito and his fedora appeared on the couch beside him, making him jump.

-My, my... why so jumpy? -Laito laughed flirtatiously as he put his hat away and ran a hand through his messy hair- Am I that scary, Ruki?

Ruki squinted,

-I shall not answer that. You know this was due to surprise.

-But you've lived enough time with us to know this happens all the time... I'd say something is in your head, wanna tell good old Laito? -Laito stretched and put himself in an "I'm listening" stance on the sofa, looking at Ruki in the eye.

Ruki didn't find Laito particularly appealing to vent to nor was he his favorite Sakamaki, but he was hard to resist. All right.

-I need to get distracted. I am thinking too much and that is being counter-productive.

Laito laughed. What kind of problem is that?

-Oh Ruki... you need to get out more; you're always reading the books here, talking to Reiji, who is a bore most of the time, bossing your brothers around or cooking; -Ruki frowned. Who does Laito think he is, questioning his intellectual activities? Laito seemed to notice, for he continued in a serious tone, almost concerned. Almost.

-You should at least change the reading setting, or you'll end up having a routine...

-That's it! -Ruki lit up-I need new kinds of books and read somewhere else!

That wasn't Laito's point, but suddenly Ruki was beaming and looking out the nearest window as if that was the solution for anything. Laito fell silent.

Ruki seemed to have a secret world inside; it would be interesting to explore what it was like. He rarely went to libraries or bookstores himself but...

-At least go out somewhere you haven't been at to get books. -Laito followed him to the windowside and watched the trees moving with the wind outside, then the starry sky the Mukamis were so fascinated by.

It was nearly full moon, which meant he'd be at his most powerful, hungry, uncontrolled and voracious soon, yet here he was, thinking where to take the bookworm to brighten him up. Since Ruki and company used to be human, could they have the same effect humans had on pure vampires when they lived together long enough?

He should watch his neck for a (hell forbid) pulse, but maybe he'd find something cool that would make eternity bearable for a little longer if he went down the rabbit hole with Ruki.

-I know! There's a section at the school library... it is forbidden for students to go there... -Laito lowered his voice- I need a thrill!

Ruki shifted his eyes from the clouds to meet Laito's as he raised a questioning eyebrow.

-And so do you, don't deny it, Ruki Mukami -Laito purred as he grabbed Ruki's tie and stroked the silk between his thumb and index, coming closer to him. He smirked with a spark of mischief in his squinted, penetrative green eyes as Ruki turned to him on his heels. -Or can you? -Laito twisted the tie between his fingers and worked a second hand onto loosening the knot.

Ruki felt Laito draw closer to him and his hands slither touching around his neck and collarbone, like he was looking for a pulse, but he was caressing more than necessary. He didn't understand why he didn't resist.

Didn't this guy know any other way to try to convince someone to join him than trying to seduce them? He didn't do these things with Kou, Kanato or Ayato, the other house members who tolerated him enough to hang out with him, though. If he didn't know better, Ruki would have thought Laito was into men, women and having sexual activity in public libraries, but maybe even he must have had a shard of normalcy left. Or did he? Or was Ruki's gut picturing having an affair with Laito in the... Either way.

-Lead me, -he removed Laito's wandering fingers almost reluctanlty from behind his neck and widened the shrinking centimeters between their faces- we'll read there.

They sneaked past the librarian via apparition and ended up in a corner full of books with titles that shouldn't belong to a school. Ruki dropped his lids. He should have known it was probably the porn section. But why would a school have such a shelf?

Laito closed his eyes, passed a hand through a rack and picked a book with a rabbit on the cover. He smiled and sat down to read. It almost looked like a natural human smile, but to Ruki, Laito was one of the strangest people he'd ever met. He still felt his cold touch lingering on his neck, how embarrassing. Unlike Laito, his appetite didn't change with the full moon.

He also picked a random book; it was grey and black, decorated with lace.

It looked less intellectual than Laito's "Watership Down". Why was Laito reading that? Didn't he come here for forbidden stuff, or did he literally just seek the thrill of getting caught? Either way. He'd read excerpts before picking an entire book:

 _She heard a distant wimper from the adjacent room. It sounded like somebody was struggling, so she opened the door to find a large chamber full of glass containers in different shapes, burners, several unknown liquids and a mahogany desk with antique chairs and moss green velvet sofas to match it._

 _On one of those sat her dark-haired, pale captor, opening his eyes from having had a rather rickety nap._

 _-What are you doing here? -he asked, almost a whisper, and her heart fell to her stomach. He had looked so innocent asleep, unlike now, his gem-like eyes piercing her._

 _-Nothing, I was just worried because you sounded like you were in pain just now..._

 _He sighed, apparently relieved and put his usual white gloves back on,_

 _-The scent of your blood awoke me, it's incredible... I must have dozed off._

 _I will make some tea._

 _Surprisingly for her, who was used to be offered food that was prepared in front of her, he only made one cup and told her to stop being conceited to think he'd share. A shame he needed to explain even that tiny detail to her, he spat._

 _She stared, shocked, thinking why that could have been interpreted as arrogance and finding no answer, and he repented, possibly seeing her unspoken point._

 _-I'll make an exception today. I will share my tea with you._

 _She prayed for her sitting on the couch in front of his to not be "conceited" as well, as he poured a cup of strong black tea and_

Ruki skipped a page. This wasn't very action-packed, was it? He needed more action of any kind than thoughts and prayers right now...

 _The man in front of her was so attractive it was intoxicating._

 _He seemed too decent and serious to try anything uncomfortable or painful on her, unlike the others. The porcelain cup steamed before his pale lips in silence as his gaze followed hers, which was fixed on his mouth._

 _She averted her eyes and sipped to hide her ache for those thin lips in front of her._

 _As soon as the hot liquid touched her tongue, her throat began to close and she dropped the cup, which broke. Had she just been poisoned?_

 _-Don't fret, this does not endanger your life, -he said, getting a green flask out of his pocket and mixing its contents with one of the bottles on the desk with an unnatural calm demeanor- don't cough so openly, it's impolite..._

 _He grabbed her chin, forced her mouth open and fed her a new substance._

 _-Don't resist swallowing it... or would you rather choke forever? -he smirked as he brushed her lips with a gloved finger._

 _As she was on her hands and knees on the floor, catching her breath, he attempted to dry the carpet and pick up the shards of the former cup, all the while complaining that whatever he gave her hadn't had the exact effect he'd wanted; numbing her hadn't been the point. How had it come to this?! What insane experiment had he used her for?!_

 _As he finished cleaning, she thought apologizing about the cup might as well make him not demand more of her, but as soon as she began to utter the first words her voice allowed her to, he lifted her by the waist and put her against a bookshelf, his other hand holding her chin to expose her neck,_

 _-Don't worry about that; I do not care for things that are not perfect, and that cup was broken, so I completely lost interest in possesing it. His mouth was now at her ear; she felt his face brush against her hair , his fingers close around her waist and her insides grow hot, longing for his touch, yet wanting him off her at the same time._

 _-What I don't understand is, although you are extremely flawed, still... -his face was close enough for her to feel his warm breath on her own lips as he whispered,_

 _-You know you are just an object that carries my meal for me, but I still want to give you more pleasure than anyone else..._

 _She drowned a scream of terror as he exposed a pair of fangs, yet her hips moved on their own accord toward his, which didn't resist her involuntary advance._

 _He inhaled, almost closing the space between their lips, but pulled his hungry mouth onto the nape of her limp, yet hot, pulsating neck,_

What?! Ruki didn't know what to make of this. Who was this degenerate mad scientist? He was intrigued. In the back of his head, this kind of behaviour reminded him of someone he couldn't put his finger on right now... And why wasn't this a horror book, and was lacy and feminine instead? He skipped another page.

 _His ungloved hands ravished all of her torso as she writhed on the velvet in extasy; he knew just how to touch her, but this pleasure was laced with horror and hopelessness... the moon as red as his eyes and her fang-perforated skin, a glowing natural satelite in crescent phase watching the scene reminded her this, too, would pass... either she would become white like a moon that'd bled to death, or make her captor not drain her out somehow... A moan escaped his lips as_

 _..._

Ruki didn't mind this at all...

-Ruki, you're blushing! -Laito smirked from behind a copy of a book with a kid stabbing a giant snake with a sword and a bird hovering the reptile- What are you reading?

-Nothing. -feeling aroused in front of Laito felt awkward even if this time he hadn't touched him; he put the book in his bag discreetly; the story was good.- You should return to your book, Laito.

-You should read these series, Ruki! There's a boy who hears voices here and a giant snake that petrifies you! -Ruki said nothing but looked amused- It just petrified a cat and hung it on a chandelier -Laito continued- speaking of which, you know the song of the drunk woman swinging from the chandelier?

Ruki couldn't help chuckling; Laito sure had a strange depth to him.

As they sang about hanging drunk from a chandelier, briefly forgetting they just sneaked into a forbidden library section, a kick on the other side of the bookshelf made them stiffle a laugh. Ruki never imagined hanging out with Laito and doing stupid stuff like this could be this enjoyable. He'd sit next to him at dinner more often.

They picked up a police report. This couldn't go wrong, could it?

It didn't. It talked about a town in which there was a legend of a curse that every year one person vanished and the other appeared all gutted up on the local festival's eve. The town barely figured in maps, and people were a bit scared of it, since the legend says the people of the town were originally demons and that's why they ate a sacrifice's guts. Interesting cases.

Then they picked a different police report. One of a high school crime in which some guys were suspected of being involved in a vampire cult. Insane story, but these characters were familiar... is this, by chance, what would have happened in several alternate realities? Could he even... be able to predict the future if he had these time shards in his hands?

-You know Ruki? It's a bit strange, but I always find different books in different orders here... and I like to imagine there are alternate realities to our town; I often see this kind of report; it looks like fiction, but sure sounds like members of our families could do this.

-What if Bitch-chan had chosen you, or me, or anyone who wasn't Shin to be her Adam? Do you think any of these stories could have been us? Do you think Kou would lock Bitch-chan in the basement and Subaru would try to rescue her? -he giggled as Ruki looked at him in disbelief

-It's not a bad question. I doubt there is such a thing as alternate realities happening right now, but I suppose one cannot assume there wasn't a possibility of a different outcome if one's choices had differred. Exploring those possibilities is pointless in an entirely practical sense, but it sure is interesting to read about it or imagine it... we should come here more often.

Laito smiled. A normal, warm smile, devoid of malice.

-Any time! I'm glad you're having fun, too!

-Hey, let's name who in the bunker would do each thing in the "vampire cult crimes" police files. And then go drink some blood, you look hungrier every minute...


	13. Attack on your worst nightmare

Kanato was preparing for a nap after a hard day at school... he'd forgotten his candy bars at home, and apparently some pop idol had decided to take a day off, which also happened to be a depression food day or something, because when he came back, there was no trace of his candy and Kou was hyperactive, currently being chased by an angry Subaru, who held a broom on his fist like a weapon. So loud, yet so appropriate.

Why had Kou eaten his only remaining candy for the week? He just couldn't hide the little unempathic savage he was inside, could he? He'd drag him to the improvised torture chamber in his sleep later and would see if the endless hole in his stomach could be filled with real cotton instead of cotton candy... but he didn't feel like it right now; he'd have to clean up after if he did. Besides, Subaru should do the dirty work of tiring him out first.

Life without servants was so impractical! He sighed as he asked Teddy if he missed the servants too. He preferred to be left alone rather than having to occassionally have to glimpse those eyesores, but having to clean up after himself was even worse.

Once the racket had ended with a loud punching sound and a squeal, he lit a vainilla-scented candle and he made his way to the kitchen in light blue pajamas, which had a cute duckling pattern on it. He loved a quiet fridge assault; he needed some blood...

He began to heat the hospital pouch in the microwave for more realism and delighted in the scent, though it was quite a normal blood variety. Then, as he was sipping his meal, he heard a kettle bubble. Ugh, those pseudo intellectuals and their teas. But he turned around, expecting to tell Reiji or Ruki he wanted the kitchen for himself, he found his triplet brother Laito putting a tea bag in his cup. What in tarnation? He hardly drank anything that wasn't blood before! He accused Laito of being a copycat under his breath as Laito started making a second cup. For who?! He was just making the kitchen look less tidy.

Laito's traps were physically more complex and concealed these days, which meant everyone fell on them more often! He didn't catch that extra brain, or the tea-loving-disease from Reiji.

And Ruki smiled too broadly when someone fell on the traps, which mysteriously eluded him. But the oldest Mukami was too antisocial to ally with Laito, that couldn't be it. Either way, this was a trivial question; more importantly,

Did Laito have nothing else to do than mine the bunker with stupidity?

The dinosaur confetti with pink flour was still on the bathroom matt from his last shower, and tomorrow it would magically disappear because Laito's familials were too nice to Laito.

Flour was bad taste. Another theoritical victim for the improvised torture chamber, who would probably make Kou laugh and feel less pain. Bummer, he'd have to schedule their torture sepparately.

Kanato checked his toes in case there was any confetti on them and entered his fluffy bed full of plush animals, satisfied by the thought of having two people to torture soon.

As soon as he had closed his eyes, he found himself in a familiar landscape.

This time, he was not a cosplayer gang member who profaned tombs in search for food and money with a rabbit mask on: he had a military uniform on and stood on a wall, looking at a cloudy sky, exhausted after battle, and his demoralized team just wanted to go home and eat soup.

They started their descent to the walled city that had plagued his nightmares for months.

One time, the giants beyond the Jolly Rancher walls had made a hole into a commercial district and Kanato ended up getting physically assaulted in court over having turned into a sugar addicted giant due to getting enraged over his favorite shop getting totaled as a result of the gap.

He had been dragged into a stage, and a thirty-something surly man wearing a green cape had started beating him up; Ayato had tried to jump to the court stage to defend him and Laito had held the former back, "he needs to be proven innocent! Think of our goal!"

For some reason, lots of women had been very excited about his predicament.

Another time, he was kidnapped by a giant blonde and Ayato was enraged, chasing him on a horse through a cake frosting jungle.

But this time, the giants beyond the walls had wrecked a castle and he, Ayato and Laito looked terrible after barely making it in one piece. Yuma called Kanato to talk to him and Shu; Yuma looked tense and had a broken arm. Shu seemed to have panic in his head, and sweated like a human... gross.

Yuma proceeded,

-We are the ones who perpetrated the hole on the Jolly Rancher walls both times; we are the -

And soon after, they transformed into strange giants who kidnapped him into the wilderness beyond the walls; Ayato and Laito cried in the background, as Reiji assured them Kanato was so annoying, they would soon let him go.

Kanato woke up deeply disturbed. He didn't like the constant of Ayato trying to save him, though he didn't give a flying shit he'd be un-kidnapped for being too annoying; in reality, Ayato was indeed protective if anyone seriously needed it, but most of the time, that wasn't needed and he was just a self-important brute.

He wished he'd dreamed of being the weeaboo gang member; he didn't like the sensation of being kidnapped, but the contents of the tombs he robbed during his other frequent dream were often very interesting and he liked to "live" in a normal city rather than in a walled one. The later reminded him of his childhood house.

Speaking of weeaboos, there was an argument in the kitchen. He should make them shut up for the umpteenth time.

-You made a hole in the skateboard!

Ayato shouted at Yuma

-You nearly fucked up my cooking pot! It was an antique! It cannot stand so much heat, you moron!

Yuma washed his pot in the sink in fury

-What's the point of a pot that cannot stand fire? -Ayato said, genuinely baffled- I did you a favor, now you'll have to get one that works!

-Get a brain that works while you're at it! -Yuma snarled- what you just said is too stupid!

-Why is getting a pot that works stupid?! And why did you burn the skateboard!? -Ayato squinted- Revenge or so?! If it had slipped off the stove it would have burnt the house, and your stupid cooking pot with it!

-Don't leave your skateboard on the stove, it makes no sense! Better yet, don't even use the stove! What if nobody is here, you'll make all of us go hobo one day, Ayato! Don't go near the fucking stove!

Ayato's gaze shifted to the side as Kanato glided into the room, and Yuma's eyes followed.

-What's the matter? -Yuma said, annoyed

Kanato was surprised he hadn't realized the obvious level of loud he was.

-You... have no idea what just happened in my dream, -he lowered his voice to a poisonous tone- do you?

-Huh? How should I know that?! -Yuma threw the pot into the cupboard as Ayato stared agape at the contradiction.

-Your pot is hit resistant but not heat resistant?! -Ayato returned to the argument at hand- You bought a helmet, not a cooking pot, you idiot!

-Shut up! You know nothing about household items; cooking is not about burning shit in a hole and then engulfing it!

-AYATO! -Kanato cried- you too, Yuma! It's your fault I dreamed I got kidnapped! You were arguing you were the armored something, and suddenly went beserk like you often do over pointless things! -a tear ran down Kanato's cheek- And you are casually hitting an armor thing you think is a pot like it is a drumset while others are trying to sleep! You give me nightmares, you filth of the devil!

-Yeah, Yuma, -Ayato laughed- you always play house expert yet confuse the-

-And you, Ayato! Your shouts made me dream-

But he hesitated. He dreamed Ayato tried to rescue him.

It reminded him of how he, whenever he wasn't being forced to study during play time, always tried to give Kanato an advantage or helped him reach higher places, since he was the smallest of the three of them. In the rare case there were other kids around, Ayato made sure Kanato was not bullied for his size or seen as less because he was shy; he made him be able to play with the others, too.

Ayato had also tried to save Laito from that woman.

And Yuma's pot could suck it.

-Yuma. Leave Ayato alone, -Kanato said in a calm, serious tone- I still have a third place in the torture chamber to fill up. Don't argue over pointless things, and get a proper pot nobody can break that easily.

Yuma stared, open mouthed. Ayato smiled at Kanato and disappeared into his room.

Kanato squinted, hugged Teddy closer and vanished as well.

AN:

 _I needed a Yuma-Ayato argument based on a real argument I had recently and still haven't gotten out of my system just how baffling I found it... and Attack on Kanato because his seiyuu is also Eren Jäger's! Can you hear them the same anymore? xD_


End file.
